..the fraying of the ribbon is becoming more and more evident...

There once was a ribbon; a beautifully coloured purple, silk ribbon. It was created over twenty years ago and it's fraying, fraying to an unrecognisable point. A point where anyone who is new to knowing about this thread are unable to see the ribbon for what it really is.

The Fray is a contemporary American musical band whose every song that I've heard I've been easily able to relate to; in one form or another. Below are a few deconstructions from lines extracted from a handful of their songs.

I'm in over my head, over my head.
Why is it that everything I have tried to learn in the last couple of years has gone over my head? Have I lost the passion behind my constant hunger for knowledge and learning? Have I burnt out? I'm in over my head with scarring emotion, inner turmoil, a life I'm leading that I don't like; yet I can't see a reasonable way of changing it.  I just want to cry. Every moment of every day. Why? Because all I feel is hurt and sadness and loneliness. Loneliness beyond what anyone could imagine. I've never been this lonely in my life, and it scares me. One of my best friends is about to move back to her home country, 13,000 miles away... In six weeks. What then? Sure I'll have a car then, but other than that all I can see is more loneliness... in a greater concentration.
With eight seconds left of over time she's on your mind, she's on your mind.
Reading this line many would think that, in some way, it relates to KC. No, it doesn't. That part of my life is over. No more of that. No, instead I keep thinking about how I've messed it up with AK. Right now, I should be in the rock town spending time with you; but no. I decided to be the 'Build walls bitch' I am and told you that it would be best to just leave the possibility of 'us' in general alone. Sure I mentioned that it wasn't just because of your busy-ness or the trip; but they were an integral part of why I said we should let it go.Yes, I regret it. Yes, you're on my mind. No, I'm not going to stay hung up on this. It's just a phase... I have to remember that.
You stare politely right on through.
Staring politely right on through life is what I've been doing the last couple of years; both because of my hearing problem and the fact that I'm off in my own world half the time trying to deal with all the bullshit.

You stay right between the lines of hidden blame.
The blame rests on me...

I could have stayed up with you all night had I've known how to save a life.
Flea ♥

Try to slip past his defence without granting innocence.
Why is that I'm always the one shut down or the one who has to apologise when I'm either making at least a decent point or when the other person whose in the wrong. I apologise to people because they've been horrible to me... HOW THE FUCK IS THAT RIGHT, JUST OR FAIR? I try to let them see for their selves what it is that's wrong; but I have to grant innocence to them. I try not to, but I feel horrible if I'm not at least on speaking terms with some one. GO FIGURE.

Pray to God he hears you.
More like pray to God that someone hears you! Someone, anyone?

Everyday...

I wake up and find yet another reason not to get out of bed; yet another reason to continue hermitising myself from the rest of the world. I haven't wanted to awaken from my slumber for two years now, so why does it keep happening? God knows I don't want to be here, why the f*** is he keeping me here?

...

I need to let it all out, some time, some how. Letting it all build in this way is not healthy. As much as I try and have tried to let it all out, only the surface of it is coming out.

To the two people who hurt my awesome friend while her family and best friend were too far away to comfort her... Seriously? You (the psycopathic crappy photographer; hereon known as pcp) should learn to keep your sluttiness away from people who deserve better. I can't believe you can't see what you've done wrong and that you continue to believe you are the victim. WAKE UP SUNSHINE! Let the rose thorns scar your face as you smell them every morning of the rest of your life in reality... and remember you will never ever be awesome because of what you've done. You were never and will never be the victim in this scenario. I too missed out on seeing most of my biological siblings as we all grew up. No one ever hears me complain about that, or use it as an excuse to screw other people over. Never ever have I. Never ever will I. The foster mum that meant the most to me has cancer, again. This time, there's not much they can do. Am I going to turn around and do a you episode? No. Why? Because I don't use things that happen around me as excuses to screw other people over.

Stop telling everyone you're the victim. You're not. You're just someone who has screwed a lot of people over. Get the hell out of their lives and stop hurting them further by pretending to be the victim. Grow the fuck up already, ok?

Why was nothing done sooner?!?!?!

I still often wish I'd have rung Flea after I talked to her mum at the show. I had found out (whilst talking to her mother at the show) that the issues had arisen again and that things were on the downside again, but how was I to know that she would commit suicide two nights later?

In retrospect, I can see the signs in the lead up; but it's too little too late. Especially considering the fact that during her month-long voluntary placement into care she'd told me and my then foster mother the basics of what had happened to her and her fear that if she were to return to where she has been residing that the abuse would start up again. She'd already been self-harming and had scars to show for it, but being only seventeen at the time, what could I really do but try telling people that she wasn't lying? Unfortunately, as a result of not being believed, she took her life, just after her sixteenth birthday.

I'll remember that night for the rest of my life. Hearing the phone ring, watching my then foster mother start to panic as she asked questions about whether we'd heard from Felicia during that day or not and then driving to two different houses to find her (Flea's) mother. I'd known something as gone completely awry by the way my foster mother was acting, and the fact that she asked me to stay in the car once we'd pulled up outside her mother's house and that she would explain why later.

After seeing my then foster mother consoling Flea's mother, and after my foster mother returned to the car with Flea's then six year old sister, I knew what had happened. The five minute drive home seemed to take forever, especially seeing as though I didn't want to have confirmation of what I'd figured out until I got safely out of the car that I was driving.

For about a week after Flea's little sister stayed with us. During that time she asked time after time where her sister was and whether she was going to wake up and come back home. The poor girl couldn't sleep unless someone sat beside her and either read her a story or sang a song.

All I can hope for I guess is that somehow Flea's little sister's scars won't affect her when she grows up, that the Department of Child Safety, in all their 'save their own arses' glory will become a little more transparent and that if their constant negligence in regards to kids in and out of care doesn't cease, that it AT THE VERY LEAST will deteriorate to a point where no more children or young people will die as a result of not seeing any other way out of the awful situations they are in which they have no control over. Child abuse IS everybody's business, as the department of child safety (QLD) have been saying since at least 1999. It's really quite disappointing that, in their positions, they haven't lived up to their own 'motto.'

An extract of a message sent from me to one of my friends, who is also related to the situation...

OMFG...

"denied one of the girls foster care, forcing her to return to a situation where she allegedly was being abused."

I was there when Barbara was trying to help her into foster care, and I was there trying to help with felicia's case by various means. The thing was neither the dept nor a few other unnamed people wanted to do anything about it. To them, Flea was like a number, and that's freaking atrocious if you ask me. The days leading back to when Felicia had to return home were full of conversations between her and i and barbara and multiple combinations of these. There was no way she wanted to go back, but I couldn't do anything much because no one will listen to a (then) seventeen year old foster kid who happened to be friends (to an almost sisterly extent) with Felicia.

It still angers me that the dept was able to curtain it all for that long.

How many others have been through the same thing is what I'm wondering, and would it be possible to start a class action? Considering how many people were effected by these actions of the dept and other negligent actions or inactions over the past twenty years.

I'd have a few particular points to bring up myself against the dept: at the very least there would be three, just from me. Another at least three from my twin and I'm sure there are others as well.

The system needs to be more transparent so tragedies such as these will never occur again.

...and I want to know why no one believed her. I knew by the way she was talking about it and such that she wasn't lying, why didn't they listen?

"The teenager had begged Queensland child safety officers to leave her in foster care, where she had been for a month, but she had been sent back.

Nobody -- not police, not child safety officers, not even her own mother -- believed Felicia's allegations. They suspected they were the manipulative lies of a teenager angling to escape the drudgery of her small-town life."

That month she spent in foster care was in the same house as me and we shared a bedroom so that we could talk and such. In that time I got to know her pretty well (as well as afterwards) and there were so many times that Barbara asked her if she was lying. I still can't believe they didn't listen to what she or zoe were saying until it was too late; and still they did nothing except cover it up.

Have I been asked anything about the situation after all of it? No. Have they asked me whether I talked to her mother the day before she committed suicide about the preggers scare and about the sexual abuse allegations? No. Have they asked me anything at all? No. The worst part? Even if I did take what I know to the press, to add to the whole thing, people like DOCs and a certain old foster mother would try cover it up again. Urgh.

It makes me so angry that it's taken this long for even what has come up to come up, let alone anything else.
Below are a few links to articles relating to this particular situation. Please note that there have been/are/will be many other situations of the Department of Child Safety not doing the right thing by the children and young people that they claim to endeavour to protect.

http://www.theaustralian.com.au/national-affairs/state-politics/anna-bligh-closes-scrutiny-of-suicides/story-e6frgczx-1226122414099

http://www.theaustralian.com.au/news/nation/teenage-girls-killed-themselves-under-child-safety-watch/story-e6frg6nf-1226118441590

http://www.theaustralian.com.au/national-affairs/premier-anna-bligh-intervenes-over-teen-suicides/story-fn59niix-1226123172342

http://www.theaustralian.com.au/national-affairs/girls-deaths-hidden-behind-privacy-screen/story-fn59niix-1226122696409

http://www.theaustralian.com.au/news/opinion/tear-back-curtain-of-shame/story-e6frg71x-1226121535293

http://www.theaustralian.com.au/news/nation/teenage-girls-killed-themselves-under-child-safety-watch/story-e6frg6nf-1226118441590

http://www.theaustralian.com.au/news/opinion/official-failure-leads-to-lives-lost/story-e6frg6zo-1226117922251

http://www.theaustralian.com.au/news/nation/police-delay-rules-out-child-abuse-charges/story-e6frg6nf-1226119230444

Please also note these articles are not in chronological order and that more articles in relation to this situation will appear in time to come.

What you said was horrible!

...so why is it that I still want to talk to you?

People say I'm too forgiving. I think this situation proves their theory...

On a totally different point...

(A) I can't believe I'm still awake...
(B)http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/kellyclarkson/becauseofyou.html I don't know why this song still hits me so hard. Those unresolved issues from when I was a kid really need to be resolved.
(C) I'm loving my newly made playlists.
(D) I need to get out more often during the day.
(E) I really need to give myself things to do during the day so that I don't get bored and therefore havev too much time to think.
(F) Taylor Swift's song "Never Grow Up" is a song I wish could have been around when I was little.
(G) I can't believe how differently one can perceive a particular piece of music that they have heard a million times before once something happens to bring new meaning out of the music.
(H) My brain is over thinking, as usual...
(I) I began writing this list so that my brain would stop thinking so much, but now it's thinking more.
(J) I miss you, but I can't talk to you until you apologise for saying that or at least explain yourself a little better about the whole situation.
(K) I don't like being blocked.
(L) I totally LOVE music!
(M) I have no music on at the moment, this HAS to be fixed.
(N) I'm unblocked already?
(O) Music is on!
(P) Brain overload... sleep time approaches :)

Despite what I've said; you still mean a lot to me... How does that make me look? Oh well, not like I'm going to change who I am for others anyway; despite appearances.

Wasted days, wasted nights, wasted then, wasted now...

All that time, to find out what you really think of me. Nice to know, but what you think isn't the be all and end all. I can see that now, I couldn't for a long time. Were you looking to mess it all up? I stopped the talking first... then you blocked me. What's the point?

I have my music, my friends, my job and the fact that I'm so far away from you comforting and supporting me. I'm not a s***, I'm not a w**** and I'm not a nasty b****; despite what you may think. I don't need you. Sure, I'm missing friendship, but look what I'm not missing: being thought of as someone that I'm not.

I don't know how you came to the conclusion of that. I wish I knew.

Or... did I take the wrong point away from that conversation?

Somehow, I'm pretty sure that I got the idea loud and clear. Too bad that you got that impression is all that I can say. I know all the music, the screaming, the writing, the typing, the thinking and the wasted time won't fix anything, but it's helping me to remember that I'm not the one wrong here. I'm not the one with a messed up sense of humour. I'm not the one who broke another's trust and mouthed to others about how terrible you are/were. I respected you too much to do that before now. Now, I respect myself too much to do it. I defended you to so many people after all that happened. I've continued to have a positive attitude toward you, I still do. I'm just disappointed in what has happened.

Please correct me if I'm wrong on any of this (You know who you are and where to aptly contact me) because I'd hate to be wrong. I hate to think that this time though, I probably am right...

No matter what... I still miss you, friend. Yep, I'm messed up too; probably much more than you.

...

HOW DID I END UP BECOMING THE ONE PERSON I NEVER WANTED TO BE?!?!?!?!?!!?!!?

...another awesome friend will be leaving me in (just under) 91 days...

Antelope.

We met through a meeting of semi-like-minded individuals (hereafter referred to as S.M.L.I) from Uni. On one particular occasion we spent with these semi-like-minded individuals, we realised we had something totally awesome in common: We shared the same belief system! (Now, I don't know about you, but I thought that was totally awesome considering our backgrounds were almost completely different... and that we originated from opposite sides of the world.)

A retreat soon came around with the S.M.L.I, and as we were driving back to the campsite from a totally awesome waterfall on one of the days, we were listening to her awesome cds. CDs mixed by none other than her and Lady Brett Ashley. After many "OMG, I LOVE THIS SONG!" comments from me, Antelope came out with a statement that I will never forget:

"We must be music soulmates!"

As we arrived back at the campsite, 'Don't Stop Believing' by Journey started on her cd. Before we knew it, we were standing outside Lav-Lav with the song blearing, us playing Air-Guitar-Hero and belting out the tunes. Needless to say, we'd had an awesome time.

As months went by, Antelope and I had spent many hours driving around, listening to the likes of Adam Lambert, Disney, Ke$ha, Avril and countless other awesome musicians. We also went to the same church every week up until I went on holidays at the end of the year. By then, I had the awesome opportunity of meeting her totally awesome family, getting to know her super-cute and very excitable Heeler puppy and getting to know Antelope herself.

Although this year I have been quite a lot busier and have had less time to spend on the more important things in life (Church, Friends, Doctor Who, Friends (TV Show), Dexter as well as rest and being outside during daylight hours) I have still been fortunate enough to be able to spend (particularly in the last month and a half) time with Antelope and Vertigo; as well as meeting the awesome Lady Brett Ashley.

It makes me sad now (though totally excited for Antelope, Cookie, Lady Brett Ashley and Vertigo) that Antelope will be leaving the country in 91 days to head home, for good. I wish you all the very best of luck (and awesomeness of course) and I thank Antelope for the awesome advice, sensible talking to-s, walks, faith building, music listening, pizza eating, gelato trying, strand walking, ross river walking and TV show watching awesomeness that has been the last 19 months.

I want you to know that I will always be here for you, no matter whether I am across the globe or in the same country, when ever you need me and for what ever reason. You are one of the most awesome people I have ever had the honour of meeting and getting to know. Please, no matter what happens, let anyone stand in the way of where you want to go or who you want to be or what you want to do. The way you stand up for what you believe in is inspirational and there are many times when I wish that there were many more people like you in the world.

Here's to the future! I hope that in years to come, we will still be good friends and that things will work out. I must say, the moment I decide when I will be visiting your home country, you will be the VERY first to know about it. I look forward to the day of seeing the place you call home and to be able to do all of those your-country things we have discussed.

Lady Brett Ashley; you too are totally awesome and I am glad that you and Antelope are such great friends. Everyone (in my opinion) should wish to be able to experience the sheer awesomeness of friendship that you and Antelope share. I also look forward (hopefully) to seeing you again in the future.

Antelope; I will miss you and Vertigo beyond belief. You guys have been there for me when no one else was in the last 19 months and I thank you for that. Please know that if (at any time) you decide to visit in the future and need somewhere to stay, my home/s will always be open to you. Also, as my body clock matches the time zones on the other side of the world better than my own, I will also be there to talk to, any time of the day and night.

I know there are still over 90 days to go, but hey, time goes fast when you're having fun and I hope the next three months are, at the very least, close to the awesomeness that the last 19 months have been.

Just over 90 days; let's make them count?

...

...another rant, dammit.

DAAAAAAAAAAAAMMMMMMMMMMMMIIIITTTTTTTTTTTTTT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Right now, I feel like I'm losing it. I'm burned out, and still doing the best I can, but it's not good enough any more. Almost not good enough for university, not good enough to be a shift supervisor, not good enough to be living where I do. Not good enough for anyone, or anything.






WHY CAN'T PEOPLE SEE THE DUCKS LEGS PADDLING AWAY AT A THOUSAND MILES AN HOUR? That's right, the duck's legs are underwater, working out of the spotlight. Ducks don't like playing spotlight, they'd rather appear to be cruising along whilst furiously paddling away beneath the surface; until...

The duck gets tired of all the other ducks'criticisms, dirty looks, passive-aggressive notes and general degradation. At some point, there's got to be an end to all that the duck has to go through. Why didn't the giant let the duck die those nights, before things became worse. Little duck would have looked so much better, and more people would have had respect for her. Nowadays, duck isn't sure who really respects her or cares about her.

Dear Giant;
Please give duck the strength she needs to help others. Please also give her confidence in herself so that maybe, just maybe, others will have faith in her too. Please assist her with the motivation she needs to see that she can do it all, that she's just got to prioritise a little better.
Love always,
Me,

...shame...

..is what one feels when annoyed at oneself. It is a direct relation to insanity. How? Simple. Too much shame causes one to go insane.

GO FUCKING FIGURE!

Probably doesn't make much sense but meh.

So we're talking again. Thank goodness.

My week went to shit, but you picked it back up without realising.

A few months ago there were mixed mesages going back and forward (or so it seemed to me) now though, I'm definitely cool with just being friends. To not have you to talk to for that time was horrible, but I'm glad that we're talking again. I missed it and am ready to move on.

Thank-you.

Facebook

Facebook: "In life, you'll find your strong points and you'll find your weak points. After that you'll reach the point where things can only get better; it is only then that you will know for sure where it is that you truly want to be." ~Me

Where did I go wrong?

Right now I am:
- facing the fact that I will not be doing uni for at least six months.
- dealing with the fact that the best foster mum ever has cancer.
- exhausted from working too much.
- trying to find ways for me to be a better worker and get more done within the hours I am given.
- saving for a car whilst living off my earnings from employment.
- constantly putting up with double standards.
- doing all the above more than 18 hours from the place I called home for many years, unsupported.

Whilst:
- being told I should get my act together.
- failing what I should easily be able to pass; had I not been trying to balance too much on my schedule.


WTF?

...I, I, I...

...don't know what to think.
...don't know what to do.
...just don't know.

Trying my best for everyone else, and losing myself.

Losing my friends because I don't, won't and can't say no to working extra shifts, because there is simply no one else to work the hours I do. Losing hours away from work means losing hours to spend quality time with some of my very best friends. I'm sick of being too busy for them; and accidently double-booking myself when I do end up getting time off... Or simply being too sick or tired.

It aches. My muscles ache, my back aches, my feet ache, my head aches; and most of all, my heart aches. My body aches because I do so much, my heart aches because I miss my friends, I miss my family and I miss my late night talker.

It's all swimming around in my brain. I worry that I'm not good enough at my job. I know I'm not good enough at uni at the moment. I certainly think I'm not good enough at being a good friend at the moment and I am completely sure that I'm not looking after myself the way I should be.

The answer to the way I keep dealing with this: Shrug my shoulders, say "Oh well, maybe I'll fix it in a week or so..." and sadly; this cycle continues. It's getting worse as time goes by and I'm really trying to fix it properly now. Let's just hope I end up doing better because, let's face it: failing uni just isn't good enough and neither is not spending enough time with my friends.

Something to finish off with:

Just keep smiling. :)

...just a quick post; and no, it's not about me or my problems...

All I have to say is why on earth do the people who deserve the best in life (Who are kind hearted, caring, and just awesome in general) have to go through such horrible happenings. I hope that they can see how truly awesome they are and that they can get though whatever life throws at them. You guys have people around you who truly care and I want you to know I am here for you! Thick or thin. Yes, I may work alot, but I want you to know that I am here for you whenever you need me. If I'm at work when you contact me, you bet your bottom dollar that I will be in touch with you as soon as I am finished work. You guys are the best. C and J you guys are two of the best people that any one could ever hope to meet. Just remember that! Love you both!!!!!! <3

..More...

Jimmy Barnes - When Your Love Is Gone

Well I thought nothing was wrong, nothing was right
I turned to you, but you were no where in sight
I left it too late, and maybe I hurt your pride
I should have thought of you, now you've changed your mind
And just like a well, your love has run dry
Loneliness was falling from the sky

I'm like a man with no heart, I just don't belong
I can't help it when your love is gone

Well I missed all the signs, never read between lines
And all I can say to you is that my love was blind
It's breaking my heart, knowing right from the start
You tried to reach for me, now we had to part
And just like a well, your love has run dry
Loneliness was falling from the sky

I'm like a man with no heart, I just don't belong
I can't help it when your love is gone
And it's all I can do to carry on
I can't help it when your love is gone

Well I'll tell you no lies, you've opened my eyes
Made me feel like a man again
You've walked out that door, and you left me alone
I broke down and I cried, cause I don't think I can make it alone

Ohh.... listen..... I would sail the deepest ocean
Just to be by your side again
And all I want, is for you to love me
Just say you love me again, again, again, again

I'm like a man with no heart, I just don't belong
I can't help it when your love is gone
And it's all I can do just to carry on
I can't help it when your love is gone

I'm like a man with no heart, I just don't belong
I can't help it when your love is gone
And it's all I can do just to carry on
I can't help it when your love is gone

I'm like a man with no heart, I just don't belong
I can't help it when your love is gone
And it's all I can do just to carry on
I can't help it when your love is gone

I can't help myself when your love is gone
Your love is gone

...I realised that a song I've always loved also reminds me of you...

Jewel- I love you, Always Forever

Feels like I'm standing
in a timeless dream of light mists
of pale amber rose
Feels like I'm lost in a deep cloud
of heavenly scent touching
discovering you.

Those days of warm rains
come rushing back to me
miles of windless summer night air
Secret moments shared
in the heat of the afternoon
out of the stillness
soft spoken words

say it say it again

I love you always forever
near and far closer together
everywhere I will be with you
everything I will do for you

You've got the most unbelievable
blue eyes I've ever seen
You've got me almost melting away
As we lay there under blue sky
with pure white stars
exotic sweetness a magical time

say it say it again

Say you'll love love me forever
never stop never whatever
near and far and always
and everywhere and everything

...I found another song that reminds me of you...

I Miss You lyrics
Miley Cyrus

Songwriters: Green, Wendi Foy; Green, Brian; Cyrus, Destiny Hope;

Sha la la la la, sha la la la la
You used to call me your angel
Said I was sent straight down from heaven
And you'd hold me close in your arms
I thought of the way you felt so strong

I never wanted you to leave
I wanted you to stay here holdin' me

I miss you, I miss your smile
And I still shed a tear every once in a while
And even though it's different now
You're still here somehow

My heart won't let you go
And I need you to know
I miss you, sha la la la la
I miss you

You used to call me your dreamer
And now I'm livin' out my dream
Oh, how I wish you could see
Everything that's happenin' for me

I'm thinkin' back on the past
It's true the time is flyin' by too fast

I miss you, I miss your smile
And I still shed a tear every once in a while
[| From: http://www.elyrics.net/read/m/miley-cyrus-lyrics/i-miss-you-lyrics.html |]
And even though it's different now
You're still here somehow

My heart won't let you go
And I need you to know
I miss you, sha la la la la
I miss you

I know you're in a better place yeah
But I wish that I could see your face, oh
I know you're where you need to be
Even though it's not here with me

I miss you, I miss your smile
And I still shed a tear every once in a while
And even though it's different now
You're still here somehow

My heart won't let you go
And I need you to know
I miss you, sha la la la la

I miss you, I miss your smile
And I still shed a tear every once in a while
And even though it's different now
You're still here somehow

My heart won't let you go
And I need you to know
I miss you, sha la la la la
I miss you

...Can't believe I haven't consciously listened to this song before...

It's catchy... and has a great point! :D


If We Ever Meet Again
Timbaland ft. Katy Perry 
What's somebody like you, doin in a place like this? 
Say, did you come alone, or did you bring all your friends? 
Say, what's your name, what you drinking 
I think I know what you're thinking 
Baby what's your sign, tell me yours I'll tell you mine 
Say, what's somebody like you doing in a place like this? 
(1, 2, 3, 4) 

CHORUS: 
I'll never be the same - if we ever meet again 
Won't let you get away - said if we ever meet again 
This free fall's, got me so 
Kiss me all night don't ever let me go 
I'll never be the same 
If we ever meet again 

Say if we ever meet again 

Do you come here much? I swear I've seen your face before (before, yeah) 
Hope you don't see me blush, but I can't help but want you more, more 
Baby tell me what's your story 
I ain't shy, don't you worry 
I'm flirtin with my eyes, wanna leave with you tonight 
So do you come here much, I gotta see your face some more, some more 

Cuz baby 

CHORUS: 
I'll never be the same - if we ever meet again 
Won't let you get away - said if we ever meet again 
This free fall's, got me so 
Kiss me all night don't ever let me go 
I'll never be the same 

[ From: http://www.metrolyrics.com/if-we-ever-meet-again-lyrics-timbaland.html ]

If we ever meet again 


If we ever meet again 
I'll have so much more to say (if we ever meet again) 

If we ever meet again 
I won't let you go away (said if we ever meet again) 

If we ever ever meet again 
I'll have so much more to say (say if we ever meet again) 

If we ever ever meet again 
I won't let you go away 

CHORUS: 
I'll never be the same - if we ever meet again 
Won't let you get away - said if we ever meet again 
This free fall's, got me so 
Kiss me all night don't ever let me go 
I'll never be the same 
If we ever meet again 

I'll never be the same - if we ever meet again 
Won't let you get away - said if we ever meet again 
This free fall's, got me so 
Kiss me all night, don't ever let me go 
I'll never be the same 
If we ever meet again

...I wish I could be still hanging by a moment here with you...

So much has been happening lately: Work, friends of friends visiting, study, exams, more work, furniture buying, meeting new people, drama, work and even more work. None of this has been on my mind more than you have.

It's now been over three months since you last contacted me, I miss you like you wouldn't believe. All those nights sitting up chatting about nothing at all, I was sending mixed messages, but getting mad when I received mixed messages. I felt a particular way the whole time, I don't know about you.

January was fantastic. I saw you a few times, we even spent a night sitting in that cricket club talking for hours, then walking to maccas to catch a cab through the drive through and heading home shortly after. We talked about so much, yet I get the impression we didn't talk about as much as we should have.

A few weeks later I heard your voice again over the phone, it was great. You said you enjoyed it too, and that you also missed the calls. Whether you were telling the truth or not I don't know, but I sure hope you were.

I miss having my best friend in the entire world to talk to nearly every night, mostly until dawn, or an assignment was due. I miss coming home from work and having you to talk to. No one else has been the same since you.

I often wonder how you are going, what new (or old) music you're listening to; any new awesome television shows and how interesting your university life is.

I'm not going to apologise any more for sending you messages, it's only because I want to know how you're going.

Mr 99 Luft Balloons, I miss you.

...I miss my late night talking friend...

To my late night talking friend (You know who you are),

You haven't spoken to me in about two months.

I'm not exactly sure what caused it, but I'm not worried about that unless you are. All I know is that I miss our awesome conversations about the most random, and sometimes not-so-random, topics.

I know I have made many mistakes, but haven't we all? Haven't we all said that we hate someone when it's blatantly obvious that we really don't? I told you so many times, no matter how many times you asked, that I never have and never will hate you. I couldn't hate you, ever. You of all people should know that.

Yes, I've blocked you and de-facebook-friended you many times, but each time I have, I've regretted it.

I get so frustrated at myself for ever having the thought of pushing you away. I know I told you to never call or text me again at that time of morning, but now I take that back. Even a once a week or once a month message would be great.

If you sent me a message to get f***ed and never to talk to you again, I would honour that. You are one of the best people I have had the honour of knowing and therefore I would respect your decision to never want to talk to me again (If you so *unfortunately* chose) if you let me know that's what you have decided.

Before doing such though, please consider what I have written here (If you even read this) and remember that if you change your mind down the track, I would still be willing to be your friend, no matter what.

Kindest regards,

Me

...I don't know...

So if this post doesn't make sense, blame it on the fact that I'm semi-drunk (more drunk than tipsy).

Anyways, so I have been working heaps lately, and that's usually ok, except the fact my money is going to textbooks and that my life cycle everyday is uni-work-sleep and then it starts again the next day.

So, I'm still confused, but in a totally different (almost) way. So I still can't get him out of my mind, but now (since like the last few days) I can't get someone else out of my mind: the guy with the name starting with J at work. He's pretty awesome, yes, but still it feels that all guys other than who I talk about on here a lot are second best; just like what Katy Perry describes in some parts 'Thinking of you.'

If only CGL and the guy I always talk about were up in Townsville, and I had my own car then my life up here would be pretty much heavenly.

How can I feel so lonely? When I'm working, when I'm at uni, when I'm with people, when I live in a city of approximately 200, 000; why am I lonely? Because I don't have those three things. Car would give me freedom and more time for myself and others, CGL would be the person I talk to about EVERYTHING and I could hang with the guy I always talk about and actually hang out, rather than just talk about it online.

I miss him beyond belief, and CGL too.

I just wish I would have appreciated them both better when I had them around all the time.

I just want him.

I just want them to talk to until all hours of the morning.

I want CGL there so we could car ride and talk and sing and be retards and hug and jump on trampolines and  she could write stories. I would write songs for him so he realises how I feel.

Live would be fantastic. If you both were here.

I miss you CGL and the guy I always talk about.

...just saying...

...that you were the best, and none others have come close...

...sometimes I wish that certain dreams one could select would come true, and all the bad ones would disappear...

Last night I had quite a number of dreams, involving a few of the most important people in my life, questions regarding where I stand with some of them, weddings and people with very unhealthy obsessions with weight.

People say that dreams are based on one's deepest thoughts and emotions. I guess in my case, my dreams are pretty spot on with their content. Where did all this stem from? My recent 'holiday' from which I have only just returned.

I can't get any of these things out of my mind. Trying to reason myself and figure out where I stand and whether my perspectives are accurate are really coming to the forefront of my daily thoughts. I lose sleep because my brain is constantly processing these thoughts and honestly, I'm quite over it. Everything is so confusing and I don't know who or what to believe when I'm told things and when there are conversations with many mixed undertones incorporated into them.

Someone says and acts one way around you face-to-face contradicts what others say that the same someone said to them. What am I to believe? The words, actions and conversations or the friend who says they were told everything, then says 'Wait, what?' when you tell them something about the situation they didn't know about. What is 'someone' hiding?

Then there's the pressure from seemingly everywhere to get a boyfriend, settle down, get married and have kids as well as lose weight because {quote} my shoulders are too rounded [because I've put on too much weight] and put too much on my plate at a buffet, even though I had eaten a whole plate LESS than just about everyone else.

I'm too immature, I'm not going to be able to go through uni, I can't afford a car, I need reduction surgery when (if) I get into the field I want to work in. I'm a terrible daughter, terrible sister and terrible friend apparently, yet I try my best for everyone else. I can't be perfect, and I'm sick of trying. Can't people see that?

Honestly? I know life won't cut me slack, but could the people in my life, especially some of the people important to me PLEASE give me a break. The moment I do anything at all for myself, all I get is criticism. Please let me be. In time you will see that I can be what you all want... just give me time and give me a break.

Oh and to the 'someone' in the fourth paragraph, if you actually read this you will know who you are. Not talking to me at all doesn't help my confusion, and neither does the fact that (a) you acted one way around me and then told your friend a completely different story (or so I'm told) and (b) just tell me where we stand because I am honestly sick of second guessing. If you want to continue the way we agreed to nearly to years ago, that's great: but leave it platonic rather than mixing in messages that confuse the hell out of me.

I guess I'm not the best blog writer, but I don't care. I will finish this blog with a quote, which I really love. Take notice:

Take me as I am or watch me as I go.
~Unknown Author

... I cry...

Why?

So you've hated me since the end of grade 11; sure.

You controlled me right the way through grade 12, or so you thought; sure.

I got over it all in grade 12, and only really had the confidence to get out when you were on holidays that time.

I'm now second year uni, I've lived out of home for over a year and you STILL try to control me. You've called me fat at least three times in different ways in the last week alone. You were talking to one of my best friends about how awful my body is, and my posture. You criticised me for buying stuff for my sisters and YOU. You've called me a bad role model in front of me and my sisters. Now you won't let me talk to my sisters because of a photo I hadn't realised I'd posted, and deleted as soon as I knew.

STOP telling me what to do. STOP trying to control me, because I won't listen to you anyway. STOP being a bitch to me because of something that happened TWO YEARS AGO!!!!!

...I just want to be alone...

All I can think about is the cyclone and you.

I'm too nervous to be able to say hi to you, or anyone in your family. When your sister A and I were at the cadet unit tonight with some of the other cadet staff, she talked to me, but I'm pretty sure when I replied not even half my sentences made sense. Then I keep thinking about my friends in Townsville and the other people involved in the cyclone, and it's enough to make me wanna disappear and be still for a few hours. To not talk to anyone but the people who I am worried about. To listen to music and look at the destructed river bank in the park.

Maybe I will go for a walk tonight... I don't know.

...Sleep is evading me once again whilst my brain ticks over continuously...

Right now I am sitting on a bed in my foster parents house, approximately 1100 kilometres from where I currently call home. Right now, 1100 kilometres away, my friends and many others in Northern Queensland are bracing themselves for Tropical Cyclone Yasi. The cyclone is currently 800 kilometres away from Townsville and is due to hit the coast tomorrow morning. Honestly, I'd rather be there now with them, but I guess all I can do down here is be supportive and pray for them.

You know, one thing I really like about the weather is that as unpredictable as it is, once the damaging event occurs, it is generally pretty straight-forward (No, I'm not saying it's easy, I'm just saying it's straight-forward.) in dealing with. If your house is wrecked, well somehow you will have to rebuild, if you can. In some cases, events within relationships (Of any kind) between people may be as straight forward. You don't agree? Discuss it and come up with a compromise. Unfortunately, this type of situation does not seem to apply to all events within human relationships.

What happens when wires get crossed? When people, for some reason or another, can't face another person? When people lie about situations or facts? To rebuild relationships after some of these events may take weeks, months or even years, if at all. Often the fear of facing another prevents the relationship rebuilding as it should. Unfortunately, when that happens, at least one person is sure to hurt, in some way shape or form.

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I saw your dad today. Actually, honestly, I walked right in front of him. I didn't mean to appear aloof... I just don't know how to be around you, let alone your parents. A question keeps turning over in my mind. Why did you miss information out of what you told one of our friends about that Saturday night? Information which completely changes the whole context of everything. Information which, when paired with what you told our friend, continues to send mixed signals. 

You haven't talked to me since the Sunday after that night, and honestly, even then our conversation was limited. Do you have a problem with me? I did not do anything wrong here, remember that. Also remember I don't hate you. I never have and never will. That is a promise. You simply confuse me.

I'm afraid to send you any messages at all. I'm scared that it may push you further away. Our platonic friendship was great... why did you then send me mixed signals? Don't say you didn't. I know what you said to our friend, mostly at least. When he became aware about one part of that night you hadn't mentioned, his reply was 'Wait, what?' He wanted to be the one to sort it out between you and I. I told him it was up to you. It's up to you to explain what went on, from your point of view and why...

On another note, I really just want to catch up with you again. Talk about the cricket. Talk about bands and music. Talk about whatever is happening. I just miss talking to you. I miss being friends, especially seeing I don't know why you aren't talking to me.

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I guess I should really stop writing things like this to a person who will probably never read it; though I probably won't. Writing it like that seems to help release my thoughts... a God send if you ask me. 

...I can't stop thinking about it all; it's driving me crazy...

I miss you already.

A week ago, right now, we were getting dropped off by a taxi after an awesome night and getting you some maccas. Now, we haven't spoken for a week.

I don't know what you think about last Saturday night, but I enjoyed it quite a bit. It was great to catch up in person again...

This not talking thing is kinda making it all harder to believe, but I know what happened last Saturday night was real.


I just want to know what you think...

I just want to talk to you like we normally do again...

...Another thought comes to mind...

...I'm starting to think that maybe our Saturday night was just a dream. It was so good, and by the way you seem; maybe it was only just a dream...

Except you don't get sunburnt or mud on you in reality when you do in a dream unless you sleep walk... And I'm pretty sure I don't sleep walk.


Now you aren't really even talking to me.

What the?

I really wish you knew what this is doing to my mind...

...I think about you again...

What was that the other night? Did you mean what you said or did you only want me in bed? I'm confused about what you want, especially seeing you only talk to me late at night, or when no one else is around. What is with that?

I hope you know that you still mean a lot to me and that I don't hate you. I never have and never will; but how am I supposed to know how you feel when you always send me mixed signals?

Sure I appreciate the other night, I wouldn't trade it for the world. It was great to hang out with you again, and to just be ourselves. Why can't that happen more often though? Why?

I didn't sleep much last night ( I have been tired all day, even during my exam this morning) because I kept waking up every few minutes to check my computer. Fudge I hate my stupidity.

Was I stupid to think that you might have felt that way about me again? Maybe I was because I don't know what to think. How can I know?

I know you don't tell people much about how you feel deep down, but please... just tell me straight up what is going on. I was serious about what I said a few days ago... If these mixed messages with no real answers continues, as well as only talking during the night, then I will have to force myself to not tlak to you. I'd hate to have to do that.

Please understand how confused I am right now. If you are confused, please tell me... It's better than sending me mixed signals and have myself second guessing everything.

...I write about some positive things about me...

This going to be hard...

I'm caring. Sometimes I care too much.
I'm generous. Sometimes I'm also too generous... but that's how I am.
I love to exercise.
My spelling and grammar is generally quite good.
I sacrifice what I want so others around me can be happy.
I can stand up to those who say I can't do things, and tell them I can.
I would do just about anything for some of my extended foster family and all of my closest friends.
I am committed to whatever I put my mind to.

That's all I can think of...

...I realise how the world REALLY sees me...

Ugly
Fat
Terrible Voice
Last person you'd want to be seen with
Huge Chest
Dumb
Stupid
Whingy
Bitchy
Lazy
Pushes everyone away
Loser
Nigel
Annoying
Talks way too much
Snob
Money waster
Incompetant

FAILURE

...I add a quick note..

The Script: For the First Time

She's all laid up in bed with a broken heart,
While I'm drinking jack all alone in my local bar
And we don't know how,

How we got into this mad situation,
Only doing things out of frustration:

Trying to make it work but man these times are hard.
She needs me now, but I can't seem to find the time.
I've got a new job now in the un-employment line;
And we don't know we got into this mess, it's a God's test.
Someone help us cause we're doing our best:

Trying to make it work but man these times are hard.
But we're gunna start by drinking old cheap bottles of wine.
Sit talking up all night.
Saying things we haven't for a while, a while. Yeah.
We're smiling but we're close to tears.
Even after all these years,
We just now got the feeling that we're meeting...

For the first time.

She's in line at the door with her head held high.
While I just lost my job but didn't lose my fight,
But we both know how,

How we're gonna make it work when it hurts,
When you pick yourself up you get kicked in the dirt:

Trying to make it work, but man these times are hard.
But we're gonna start by drinking old cheap bottles of wine,

Sit talking up all night,

Saying things we haven't for a while, a while. Yeah.
We're smiling but we're close to tears,
Even after all these years;
We just now got the feeling that we're meeting...
For the first time.

Drinking old cheap bottles of wine,
Saying things we haven't for a while, a while. Yeah.
We're smiling but we're close to tears,
Even after all these years;
We just now got the feeling that we're meeting:
For the first time...
For the first time...
Oh, for the first time.
Yeah, for the first time.

Oh these times are hard.
Yeah they're making us crazy,
Don't give up on me baby.
Oh these times are hard.
Yeah they're making us crazy,
Don't give up on me baby.

Oh these times are hard.
Yeah they're making us crazy,
Don't give up on me baby.


Oh these times are hard.
Yeah they're making us crazy,
Don't give up on me baby.

From the first time I heard this song, I loved it. If you know me well, you'll know why...

...I note some of my major thoughts at the moment...

Just a few random bits and pieces I've been thinking about today:

Facebook like: I'm sorry I don't have glamorous hair, perfect skin, the straightest teeth or the best body. I'm sorry I don't doll myself up all the time and that I wear those baggy shirts around the house. I'm sorry that I like to eat junk food once in a while and I'm sorry that I'm not a fitness guru. I'm sorry I'm not like some of the other girls. But the funniest thing of all is that I'm not sorry.

This just emphasises the fact that I'm not going to be someone I'm not so that people like me. I will be me.

Lately, I've had some suggestions for music from some one, which I now have stuck in my head. I also have some other songs stuck on my head too... So I made a facebook note with them. :)

We Dance to a Different Disco because all we hear is Radio Gaga. The Cat's in the Cradle, Dammit and She Hates Me. I don't think I remember a taste as sweet as this December but just you wait and see: I will, I will, I will Chase that feeling to shake it. I Want You Back In My Hands as I'm Rocking Your Body tonight. I talk to you every now and then; and as I'm Feeling This my thoughts send me on a Carousel. What's My Age Again because I can't sleep and We Don't Deed Another Hero. Ladies and Gentlemand are Werewolves and we'll be Counting the Stars together on the Planets in Bat Country. I'm One Step Closer to Nothing At All, Wendy. As I Break Dance Not Hearts, I Shimmy A Go Go in my Ruby Red shoes. We All Know that's Enough for Now.

Sentences three, four and five are all what I'm sorta thinking about more. Two and three, I really shouldn't, but hey... We are all human.

It's kinda hard to be getting mixed signals from someone; but hey, I'd rather that than not being able to talk to them at all.

Another song that I've been thinking of a lot lately is 'The Time.' The Chorus goes a little bit like this:

I have had the time of my life;
And I've never felt this way before,
And I swear, this is true,
And I owe it all to you!

In case you are wondering, and are old enough to remember, yes: that song was from the awesome movie 'Dirty Dancing.'

On to another point.

Firework by Katy Perry is one of the best songs released in 2010 (other than those by Short Stack, of course) and it's great to listen to when I'm feeling a bit down.

I know this blog doesn't usually have so many references to music, but hey. Music is my favourite thing (other than rain of course; nothing can top that!) so I thought it time to put some music in here. (It wasn;t actually a decision so to speak, but most of the music that is in this post has had me thinking really hard in one way or another in the last few weeks.

Getting on with the blog, a band was recently introduced to me by a good friend of mine. I love the song they suggested and am thinking of researching their other music and to probably get hooked on those as well. What is the name of the band you may ask? They are 'Save Us for Summer' and their song 'Rocking Your Body' has been "rocking my brain" for the last few days. As much as the lyrics aren't the most innocent, I still love them.

Now back to some of my 'same ole' type of blogging.

So the situation with a certain person still hasn't brought itself to head. I've been waiting for months, and thought that maybe in the time that Ive been down here, that he might have wanted to talk in person, like normal friends do; but it seems that's not goiong to happen now unless it happens next weekend. I just want to see him again. He's awesome. I bet if you met him you'd think so too. His university friends apparently call him a 'Mad C**t" and so does Matt, one of our mutual friends. Wrapping up this topic for now though, as much as I would have liked to spend some time with him, I am also a scared chick who thinks that a lot of situations are awkward, so I have still enjoyed my time here so far as I have somewhat compartmentalised all of the 'him' stuff and just enjoyed myself anyways!

I mean, why not? There's been a flood on here. I am from a place in Queensland which has only been affected by the floods in a minor way. Sure the creek behind my house swelled up like a river, and sure the bridge 250m away from my house flooded for a week, but it was ok because my house is 12 metres above and the floods reached a maximum level of eight metres. Photos of said flood will appear on my other blog: http://randommeishness.blogspot.com in time to come.

Something else I have been doing these holidays is studying for my supplementary exams for the uni subjects that I was only one and three marks off of passing. As I have been doing this, I have also been pondering my path to what I will do after uni. As a part of this I considered what aspects of uni I have enjoyed the most. I mean, sure, I enjoyed my practicals for my science degree, but other than that I haven't really been enjoying it at all. As a result of this, I have decided to see how this first semester of second year uni pans out and at the end I will decide whether to continue with science or to drop it for another time. At the present time, I don't feel that I want to continue the science degree for now; and I guess that's ok for me, because I love studying for law.

Well that's enough from me for the night, I've had enough of typing my thoughts so I will disappear, listen to music and talk to people online. :)

...I needed to vent... in the form of a verse from a song...

♪Playing mind games, Playing mind games.
No one knows what u  want
'cause you can't stop
Playing mind games.
Those mixed signals,
You keep on a  sending
Are soon...
Gonna get thrown back in your face. ♪


It's probably crap, but I don't care. The person that it's directed at? I'm sick of them expecting me to be there at the wee hours of the morning to talk to them. Sick of getting sick from lack of sleep because I want to please them, not in any non-platonic way, but just in general. Sure, I miss them... But hell... Give me some slack. Contact me in the day time; talk to me in person. Take that 300m walk. Stop being a flickhead, please. For my freaking sanity.

Soon, I'm going to get the strength to not talk to you everytime you want me to. It's taken me almost two years to get to the stage I'm at. You are treading a thin line. I can't stand to continue receiving mixed signals from you. If you like me like that, show it. If not, tell me; then stop sending mixed signals.

Yet with all of this going through my mind, I still can't bear to lose you. If you don't get your a*** into gear soon, I won't really have a choice. You will be the one missing out, for once, not me.

You will probably never read this, but that doesn't matter. I've vented for now, and that's all that matters.