...I don't know...

So if this post doesn't make sense, blame it on the fact that I'm semi-drunk (more drunk than tipsy).

Anyways, so I have been working heaps lately, and that's usually ok, except the fact my money is going to textbooks and that my life cycle everyday is uni-work-sleep and then it starts again the next day.

So, I'm still confused, but in a totally different (almost) way. So I still can't get him out of my mind, but now (since like the last few days) I can't get someone else out of my mind: the guy with the name starting with J at work. He's pretty awesome, yes, but still it feels that all guys other than who I talk about on here a lot are second best; just like what Katy Perry describes in some parts 'Thinking of you.'

If only CGL and the guy I always talk about were up in Townsville, and I had my own car then my life up here would be pretty much heavenly.

How can I feel so lonely? When I'm working, when I'm at uni, when I'm with people, when I live in a city of approximately 200, 000; why am I lonely? Because I don't have those three things. Car would give me freedom and more time for myself and others, CGL would be the person I talk to about EVERYTHING and I could hang with the guy I always talk about and actually hang out, rather than just talk about it online.

I miss him beyond belief, and CGL too.

I just wish I would have appreciated them both better when I had them around all the time.

I just want him.

I just want them to talk to until all hours of the morning.

I want CGL there so we could car ride and talk and sing and be retards and hug and jump on trampolines and  she could write stories. I would write songs for him so he realises how I feel.

Live would be fantastic. If you both were here.

I miss you CGL and the guy I always talk about.

...just saying...

...that you were the best, and none others have come close...

...sometimes I wish that certain dreams one could select would come true, and all the bad ones would disappear...

Last night I had quite a number of dreams, involving a few of the most important people in my life, questions regarding where I stand with some of them, weddings and people with very unhealthy obsessions with weight.

People say that dreams are based on one's deepest thoughts and emotions. I guess in my case, my dreams are pretty spot on with their content. Where did all this stem from? My recent 'holiday' from which I have only just returned.

I can't get any of these things out of my mind. Trying to reason myself and figure out where I stand and whether my perspectives are accurate are really coming to the forefront of my daily thoughts. I lose sleep because my brain is constantly processing these thoughts and honestly, I'm quite over it. Everything is so confusing and I don't know who or what to believe when I'm told things and when there are conversations with many mixed undertones incorporated into them.

Someone says and acts one way around you face-to-face contradicts what others say that the same someone said to them. What am I to believe? The words, actions and conversations or the friend who says they were told everything, then says 'Wait, what?' when you tell them something about the situation they didn't know about. What is 'someone' hiding?

Then there's the pressure from seemingly everywhere to get a boyfriend, settle down, get married and have kids as well as lose weight because {quote} my shoulders are too rounded [because I've put on too much weight] and put too much on my plate at a buffet, even though I had eaten a whole plate LESS than just about everyone else.

I'm too immature, I'm not going to be able to go through uni, I can't afford a car, I need reduction surgery when (if) I get into the field I want to work in. I'm a terrible daughter, terrible sister and terrible friend apparently, yet I try my best for everyone else. I can't be perfect, and I'm sick of trying. Can't people see that?

Honestly? I know life won't cut me slack, but could the people in my life, especially some of the people important to me PLEASE give me a break. The moment I do anything at all for myself, all I get is criticism. Please let me be. In time you will see that I can be what you all want... just give me time and give me a break.

Oh and to the 'someone' in the fourth paragraph, if you actually read this you will know who you are. Not talking to me at all doesn't help my confusion, and neither does the fact that (a) you acted one way around me and then told your friend a completely different story (or so I'm told) and (b) just tell me where we stand because I am honestly sick of second guessing. If you want to continue the way we agreed to nearly to years ago, that's great: but leave it platonic rather than mixing in messages that confuse the hell out of me.

I guess I'm not the best blog writer, but I don't care. I will finish this blog with a quote, which I really love. Take notice:

Take me as I am or watch me as I go.
~Unknown Author

... I cry...

Why?

So you've hated me since the end of grade 11; sure.

You controlled me right the way through grade 12, or so you thought; sure.

I got over it all in grade 12, and only really had the confidence to get out when you were on holidays that time.

I'm now second year uni, I've lived out of home for over a year and you STILL try to control me. You've called me fat at least three times in different ways in the last week alone. You were talking to one of my best friends about how awful my body is, and my posture. You criticised me for buying stuff for my sisters and YOU. You've called me a bad role model in front of me and my sisters. Now you won't let me talk to my sisters because of a photo I hadn't realised I'd posted, and deleted as soon as I knew.

STOP telling me what to do. STOP trying to control me, because I won't listen to you anyway. STOP being a bitch to me because of something that happened TWO YEARS AGO!!!!!

...I just want to be alone...

All I can think about is the cyclone and you.

I'm too nervous to be able to say hi to you, or anyone in your family. When your sister A and I were at the cadet unit tonight with some of the other cadet staff, she talked to me, but I'm pretty sure when I replied not even half my sentences made sense. Then I keep thinking about my friends in Townsville and the other people involved in the cyclone, and it's enough to make me wanna disappear and be still for a few hours. To not talk to anyone but the people who I am worried about. To listen to music and look at the destructed river bank in the park.

Maybe I will go for a walk tonight... I don't know.

...Sleep is evading me once again whilst my brain ticks over continuously...

Right now I am sitting on a bed in my foster parents house, approximately 1100 kilometres from where I currently call home. Right now, 1100 kilometres away, my friends and many others in Northern Queensland are bracing themselves for Tropical Cyclone Yasi. The cyclone is currently 800 kilometres away from Townsville and is due to hit the coast tomorrow morning. Honestly, I'd rather be there now with them, but I guess all I can do down here is be supportive and pray for them.

You know, one thing I really like about the weather is that as unpredictable as it is, once the damaging event occurs, it is generally pretty straight-forward (No, I'm not saying it's easy, I'm just saying it's straight-forward.) in dealing with. If your house is wrecked, well somehow you will have to rebuild, if you can. In some cases, events within relationships (Of any kind) between people may be as straight forward. You don't agree? Discuss it and come up with a compromise. Unfortunately, this type of situation does not seem to apply to all events within human relationships.

What happens when wires get crossed? When people, for some reason or another, can't face another person? When people lie about situations or facts? To rebuild relationships after some of these events may take weeks, months or even years, if at all. Often the fear of facing another prevents the relationship rebuilding as it should. Unfortunately, when that happens, at least one person is sure to hurt, in some way shape or form.

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I saw your dad today. Actually, honestly, I walked right in front of him. I didn't mean to appear aloof... I just don't know how to be around you, let alone your parents. A question keeps turning over in my mind. Why did you miss information out of what you told one of our friends about that Saturday night? Information which completely changes the whole context of everything. Information which, when paired with what you told our friend, continues to send mixed signals. 

You haven't talked to me since the Sunday after that night, and honestly, even then our conversation was limited. Do you have a problem with me? I did not do anything wrong here, remember that. Also remember I don't hate you. I never have and never will. That is a promise. You simply confuse me.

I'm afraid to send you any messages at all. I'm scared that it may push you further away. Our platonic friendship was great... why did you then send me mixed signals? Don't say you didn't. I know what you said to our friend, mostly at least. When he became aware about one part of that night you hadn't mentioned, his reply was 'Wait, what?' He wanted to be the one to sort it out between you and I. I told him it was up to you. It's up to you to explain what went on, from your point of view and why...

On another note, I really just want to catch up with you again. Talk about the cricket. Talk about bands and music. Talk about whatever is happening. I just miss talking to you. I miss being friends, especially seeing I don't know why you aren't talking to me.

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I guess I should really stop writing things like this to a person who will probably never read it; though I probably won't. Writing it like that seems to help release my thoughts... a God send if you ask me.