So it's been a while again.
So I came back here because I have this pain still inside that I didn't think I still had. Through the ups and downs I've had in the (I think it's been) 11 years since I started this blog, the thing that keeps coming back is him.
My feelings for him. I sound like an oddly hopeless romantic, I know, but I feel like it's for good reason. Whenever someone mentions his name or someone from his family, those feelings bubble their way back up. It nearly makes me cry every time. It's like a time capsule in a way.
My twin today he told me while we were on the phone that he had been speaking to... What did I used to call him? Maybe Charles Michael? I don't know... but anyway my brother was speaking to his sister today, who I used to be kind of friends with when we were in Navy cadets.
She was one of the staff and I was one of the Cadets, but we got along pretty well and she was the first person that I ever went for an adult cup of coffee with (I felt like a proper grown up). Apparently she asked how I was and my brother mentioned my health and things like that. It just, it threw me, because she asked about me... makes me wonder whether her brother thinks of me?
I miss him like, even just the friendship... How many ways that we just tended to click... in so many ways... intellectually, music, interests... so many different things... and so strange because I've never met someone I clicked like that with before or since (I don't think) and I think that's why I still feel this really deep pain and sadness when I hear about him or his sister because I miss him so much, Mr Charles Michael.
Why did I come back here to talk about it? Why don't I talk to my friends or my brother or anyone else for that matter about it?
Well I feel like no one to really understand this kind of feelings. I mean it's been what, in August it'll be 10 years since we last spoke, and that's hard but it's also been over 12 years since we broke up, and I feel like a lot of people probably think I shouldn't still have these feelings, and that you know a lot of people probably thought it was like, you know, that teenage puppy-love kind of thing, but for me it wasn't. For me, I knew there was something really special about that, but then I don't think I really realised at the time just how much. But the older I get, the more I realise how so lucky I was, to have had that relationship that I almost never had. There was another story there.
Every time I hear the Belinda Carlisle 'Summer Rain' song it reminds me of that beautiful sunny day when it started just raining. It was a lovely, beautiful sunshower, and it must have been getting close to Golden hour, because I just remember how beautiful it was, and I started singing that song, and getting him to dance a little bit with me, and it was beautiful, and I often go back to that when I hear that song because I feel like that's a little snapshot of Heaven right there.
I feel like this is the only real place that I can talk about these feelings and I'm really missing him, because you know even the friendship to have somebody to connect with them on that many levels, similar outlooks on life. The stories we could tell each other, I'm sure.
Like, I miss my late night talking buddy.
You know, he'll probably never see any of this, but you know life is like that, sadly.
We don't don't all get happy endings, we don't all have our dreams of who we are when we're 30 come true. It doesn't always turn out that way and you know what, I'm kind of glad in a way. It's taken me a while, but I'm I'm glad I'm not where I thought I would be at 30, because I feel like I'm so much more of a beautiful soul of a person than I would have been if everything went 'right.' I'm kinder, more understanding, wiser... but all of that also means that I miss him even more, so that I wish I could speak to him about all the stuff. Find out how he is, find out his experiences in the last 10 years.
I just wish I wasn't so damaged back then, and that maybe if I wasn't, things might have gone better... but I'm the person I am now, partly because we weren't together.
I'd like to meet up with him one day again and just reconnect, but as the person I am now not as the person I was 10 and 12 years ago because I'm so different now. So, so differen... and I just hope he's doing well. That he's well, and he's happy... they're the main things I guess.
Don't know when I'll write or talk here again, but one day we'll see how this blog goes.
I mean I never expected it to last this long, but kind of nice to have this, to go back over at times.
So where am I now in life? Well, I still haven't finished a degree, I've started 5 different degrees though. I did complete a Certificate 3, back in 2017 in Business. I am currently working on a Diploma of Business Administration. I have a job interview to do for a tutoring company on the Tuesday coming.
I'm totally single. Don't know if that's a surprise or not, but I've been single for a long time.
Yeah crazy, crazy, times.
Who'd have known that we'd have had a pandemic that would last so long, and affect the world so much.
I'm still in church, still doing what I can to help people, still renting, no house of my own yet. Maybe that'll change one day, I hope. I'm still in the north I don't know if I will ever move back to my home towns, but yeah, I guess that's life goes. I tried to move back a couple of years ago, but I couldn't get a job, couldn't get a place to stay there, so it was just a fact of life that I've had to stay here, in the north until I maybe try again at some point, I guess.
Until I write here again, good luck and God bless to you all, and I wish you all the best. Hopefully see you soon.
Bye
...for now.
