So another year has passedIt’s now 19 July 2020 and this year has been mostly taken over the world by Coverd 19. Before I get much further into this post I want you to know that this is also voice typed last post also was voice typed and I didn’t get around to editing it and I only look at it tonight and realised just how little it actually made sense but I am I guess if you read it and think about the fact that it was voice typed I’m sure you can probably gather that when I said karma I meant ‘comma’ and so forth.
Since I last posted I’ve had to leave two jobs because of severe bullying and one of which the company is fast being absorbed by a larger company and the other one only worked for three weeks and that was dodgy so I left because I didn’t want my name associated with that business. Life is crazy two weeks ago I lost my foster dad Bill and and that’s been pretty hard on everyone but it’s unexpectedly also brought everybody together because he was such an amazing man and we’re gonna miss him could go into detail about his life but I feel like Not really necessary right now maybe one other day.
This song oh my gosh expect so many memories. The summer of 69 is one of my all-time favourites and it always reminds me of the summer 2008 2009 I live in Australia so our summer goes between one year in the next in the same time is an American winter I guess. The summer of 69 what a song in the summer of 09 as I always think of it it’s my favourite summer still my gosh you knowI like who I am better now I’m more self assured and stuff but that reminds me of just the love in the beginning of independence and seriously the best days and I didn’t know it was that was the best days of my life and so this song just heartless and I know it’s not easy wasn’t all easy my boyfriend at the time was heading off to union we broke up about a month Australian started uni but I just miss him so that was a friendship like no other and I don’t know I just feel like I don’t don’t knowIf I can ever love another person like that again. Do you know I’m very close friend and by all accounts most people probably think we should be together let Facebook nerds and we are interested in similar things enough that we can talk about them and learning from each other but different enough to be able to have our own subjects remain a mystery to the other kind of early in love with him I don’t know if I can ever fully love someone as much as I love that guy that I did in 2009 2008 20009 oh my gosh And yeah it was first love and it’s different I guess a lot of people save it I don’t know I had boyfriends before him but nothing before or since compares to that relationship and act of actual level sorry if that came across not quite right I meant to say intellectual level on but also I guess physically friendship was just I’m just chilled was I was anxious I had anxiety since I was a kid and I think that made things really difficult in our relationship but it wasn’t really helped whyWhat are the things we foster parents used to say and then you know it’s only just recently in the last couple years since dad said cancer that was really started patching things up and then we might even have a chance at having a kind of mother daughter relationship again as it was 10 years wasted it’s still hurts and I want to be able to talk to them and how much it hurt and how much I wish they didn’t realise that that’s what that was my once in a lifetime just like they were each other’s once again I know dad can hear me now and come between us so much andAnd I just wish they could’ve supported me through uni even just a little bit financially like I’m still stuck 10 years later trying to get through the study will be a different subjects and things but I’m nowhere near the who I thought I’d be right now and it hurts and I don’t want to move back to the Fraser Coast now even though now strangely there’s more jobs down there that they are in Townsville that last time I went there it was felt so empty and so alone and I was surrounded by apparently the people who love doing most of it when I was down there I miss the people up here in Townsville who actually love me it’s crazy but I want to be there For my families but same time I feel like I am mummy here and I am I’ve got good doctors now and I’ve got a solid group of friends here really solid they help me through this whole grieving process a lot and being patient and kind and I understand if I’m too sick to do something or you know I just I just wish I had someone to come home to at night and I wish it was that guy from 2009.
I was in Maryborough recently before my foster dad died one of the two minute call dad by the way am I gone down there to see him and spend some time with them and only got to see them once so I don’t knew when I was leaving that to be the last time and see him and it was the Friday before the Saturday that I left I’ve been down there for two weeks and I’ve been so dam sick turns out I had multiple pretty severe infections and then I was really really sick and while I was in that bed I actually finally grief I miss carriage and that’s eight years later so at the moment I’ve been feeling like I haven’t been grieving. The fact that I feel like I have been grieving makes me worry that it might be another eight years before I can grade my foster dad‘s death but by that time I have probably lost at least one or two of my other three foster parents and that’s a scary thought it’s really frustrating that is a foster kid you your sense of grieving is stunted and it’s stalled because specially with my history I may lose those people but they always in there to go back to auto see even if they’re not in the same place there’s always been a chance of seeing them again but that’s not alive any more and I didn’t even get to go to his funeral Because I was so sick and I didn’t get to see him just before he died of his last birthday and all that really hurts and I’m more heard about all of that and mingle and somehow I know he’s not suffering any more but I feel like I should be missing him or somehow I feel like he’s closer now than it ever been I don’t know it’s so weird but I just want someone to hug me at night and you know I’m worried about my foster mum because for 64 years she’s had a best friend her husband know by a side and now at night she comes home alone Just like I do and you know I worry for her because you know they say you miss what you haven’t had in like I miss that I don’t have someone to like hug me when I come to bed at night but for her she’s had her husband over 64 years and now he’s not there any more and she doesn’t have the faith that I do so for her it’s just so much harder because she’s gonna be coming home alone and the person that’s always been there it’s not there any more and I can’t imagine how much your heart must be breaking right now I want it really hurts me to think so so sad despite our differences that we’ve had over the years she doesn’t deserve to feel this way and I never would Never want her to hurt this way but it’s what is going through and I guess in a way I’m lucky because the likelihood of me being married for 64 years it’s not very likely by now because I’m 29 but you know I’m sad that she’s lost the love of her life and that she now has to go through heartbreak you know they were together since they were really really young and they basically kind of been awake a lot together I guess like you know when you marry you and if you’re 20 you’re still growing up with that person and you know I feel like the person that I’ve become closest to you is one of my best friends and I’ll never be able to marry him and I don’t know if I really would want to but especially since I still have feelings for the guy in 2009 somehow I don’t know why it crazy that and frustrating I just want to be able to like you have another boyfriend might get married and have kids but I don’t think I’m capable of being a good mum I don’t know but I like my singleness but it is also hard you know it’s also helpful because I like But I can have my house exactly the way I want it it’s kind of pretty it’s like country French English Rose kind of like grandma Irish that I don’t know it’s me do you know what the bookshelves music on on the TV outside thanks Spotify and no smoke mixer and kitchen and stuff but that stuff just I don’t know doesn’t compare to have someone to come and lay in bed and have somebody there just hugging you it’s not even about the intimacy of like a sexual nature is just having the someone to hugI’m just being there yeah when you go to sleep at night and wake up in the morning I don’t know why is life so weird and tough you know I don’t even feel like editing this post to be honest just like I didn’t the last one because really I feel like I’m just talking to whoever is reading this and I’m not many people read my blog but that’s okay I don’t mind that it’s kind of like right now and old friend I can come back to win either type it or video to a sorry voice type on this I feel like I’m just speaking to an old friendBut it’s my blog and this is all very stream of consciousness yeah it’s crazy and it’s range of different of a person I am now to what I was when I started this blogger you know but also have a very the same I am in other ways I’m so different in myself insurance and stuff but I’m the same I have anxiety and PTSD and depression but I’m so much actually happier in myself and who I am and accepting of myself I still love books I’m still a nerd I still you know love anaesthetic and address and that is not the same as before before mate Not the same as people my age I meant to say I’m but also I’m still the girl who more easily makes friends with men than women and the only women that I seem to be able to make friends with easily other women who feel like they make better friends with men than women it’s just a thing that’s been recurrent in life for me and I’m okay with that because the reason I find men were easily easy to be friends with us because they’re not catchy and bitchy and stuff like people that I have once worked with their not gossipy they just they look at life as it is and talk about that and they’re really all about life and not fakeWell with some walked sense of positivity that’s incredibly fake and not realistic I don’t believe in Stoicism I think it is a weakness actually that people cannot be honest with themselves and each other about how they’re actually feeling I think it’s really important to be transparent and honest and you know whilst it’s left me out of some of my opportunities I think it’s given me greater opportunities in the Longrun you know I’m sure there’s some stuff still that I regret and then I never talk about to people but at the same time I’m me and I’ve come to this point in life and I I can’t regret the decision anything that’s brought me here to realise that I’m content that I don’t want to leave Well with some walked sense of positivity that’s incredibly fake and not realistic I don’t believe in Stoicism I think it is a weakness actually that people cannot be honest with themselves and each other about how they’re actually feeling I think it’s really important to be transparent and honest and you know whilst it’s left me out of some of my opportunities I think it’s giving me greater opportunities in the Longrun you know I’m sure there’s some stuff still that I regret and then I never talk about to people but at the same time I’m me and I’ve come to this point in life and I can’t regret that it’s anything that’s brought me here to realise that I’m content that I don’t want to leave I don’t want to move house I enjoy where I live I enjoy the people that I’m around and I enjoy not overworking myself and I enjoy studying to start my own business at some stage I enjoy being around people and having the time to grieve this is been really strange because most of the year so far since February March has been taken up by this whole Covid pandemic all over the world and its I could never imagine something like that would happen in my life time and here we are but what a blessing it’s been for meI’ve been able to be completely unapologetically me and work towards the things that I want to work towards like my business and learning to crochet I mean I have ADHD so could be just my latest obsession but I don’t feel like it feel like it’s something that I want to keep working on and you know I don’t know I feel like tutoring might be in my past now I kind of miss it but you know maybe I’m better off doing craft business and craft that I don’t know I kinda need to get my thoughts straight on this whole business thing but one thing I know is I need an ABN and need to get myself on the road to earning some cash and not having to look for work that I know it’s not going to work on time because that’s self defenceSelf-defeating not substance am not self defence or substance whatever sometimes this voice typing thing really doesn’t work that well and I said self-defeating by the way am I just don’t see the point in looking for work where those businesses are only going to keep me for about a year which is about the amount of time they can get funding for me to be at their workplace and then they let me go it’s happened before and I don’t want to that to keep happening in my life I just want to do you know my own thing and be able to help people who have been been in similar Situations with their health and the good work that needed the boss that’s understanding and no I really think that the society really doesn’t look after the people but it should and it says that it does and there’s a lot of talk but not a lot of action so yeah but I’m yeah life hack get a short parcel brush if you’re a long-haired person because if you’re anything like me and your hair falls out a lot worse or room sorry not brush short bristled broom is an absolute godsend forgetting your hair off the carpet easily I wish I had known this years ago I was a bit of an eclectic post I know but you know It helps me feel a lot less alone even though I’m very much alone and I’m a lonely person by nature even when I’m with people somehow less so now when I’m with people but I don’t know what it is just so different and I think it’s partly because of ADHD but partly because of chronic illness and pain over the years but also partly because I’m somebody who is just very different to a lot of people and I don’t mind that actually I enjoy the person I am so you know parts of me that could do better for sure that arm yeah it’s probably the most content I’ve been for very long time so thank youGod for that and then I think this is the end of the post I wish you all the best in the whole talk again sometime bye
Since I last posted I’ve had to leave two jobs because of severe bullying and one of which the company is fast being absorbed by a larger company and the other one only worked for three weeks and that was dodgy so I left because I didn’t want my name associated with that business. Life is crazy two weeks ago I lost my foster dad Bill and and that’s been pretty hard on everyone but it’s unexpectedly also brought everybody together because he was such an amazing man and we’re gonna miss him could go into detail about his life but I feel like Not really necessary right now maybe one other day.
This song oh my gosh expect so many memories. The summer of 69 is one of my all-time favourites and it always reminds me of the summer 2008 2009 I live in Australia so our summer goes between one year in the next in the same time is an American winter I guess. The summer of 69 what a song in the summer of 09 as I always think of it it’s my favourite summer still my gosh you knowI like who I am better now I’m more self assured and stuff but that reminds me of just the love in the beginning of independence and seriously the best days and I didn’t know it was that was the best days of my life and so this song just heartless and I know it’s not easy wasn’t all easy my boyfriend at the time was heading off to union we broke up about a month Australian started uni but I just miss him so that was a friendship like no other and I don’t know I just feel like I don’t don’t knowIf I can ever love another person like that again. Do you know I’m very close friend and by all accounts most people probably think we should be together let Facebook nerds and we are interested in similar things enough that we can talk about them and learning from each other but different enough to be able to have our own subjects remain a mystery to the other kind of early in love with him I don’t know if I can ever fully love someone as much as I love that guy that I did in 2009 2008 20009 oh my gosh And yeah it was first love and it’s different I guess a lot of people save it I don’t know I had boyfriends before him but nothing before or since compares to that relationship and act of actual level sorry if that came across not quite right I meant to say intellectual level on but also I guess physically friendship was just I’m just chilled was I was anxious I had anxiety since I was a kid and I think that made things really difficult in our relationship but it wasn’t really helped whyWhat are the things we foster parents used to say and then you know it’s only just recently in the last couple years since dad said cancer that was really started patching things up and then we might even have a chance at having a kind of mother daughter relationship again as it was 10 years wasted it’s still hurts and I want to be able to talk to them and how much it hurt and how much I wish they didn’t realise that that’s what that was my once in a lifetime just like they were each other’s once again I know dad can hear me now and come between us so much andAnd I just wish they could’ve supported me through uni even just a little bit financially like I’m still stuck 10 years later trying to get through the study will be a different subjects and things but I’m nowhere near the who I thought I’d be right now and it hurts and I don’t want to move back to the Fraser Coast now even though now strangely there’s more jobs down there that they are in Townsville that last time I went there it was felt so empty and so alone and I was surrounded by apparently the people who love doing most of it when I was down there I miss the people up here in Townsville who actually love me it’s crazy but I want to be there For my families but same time I feel like I am mummy here and I am I’ve got good doctors now and I’ve got a solid group of friends here really solid they help me through this whole grieving process a lot and being patient and kind and I understand if I’m too sick to do something or you know I just I just wish I had someone to come home to at night and I wish it was that guy from 2009.
I was in Maryborough recently before my foster dad died one of the two minute call dad by the way am I gone down there to see him and spend some time with them and only got to see them once so I don’t knew when I was leaving that to be the last time and see him and it was the Friday before the Saturday that I left I’ve been down there for two weeks and I’ve been so dam sick turns out I had multiple pretty severe infections and then I was really really sick and while I was in that bed I actually finally grief I miss carriage and that’s eight years later so at the moment I’ve been feeling like I haven’t been grieving. The fact that I feel like I have been grieving makes me worry that it might be another eight years before I can grade my foster dad‘s death but by that time I have probably lost at least one or two of my other three foster parents and that’s a scary thought it’s really frustrating that is a foster kid you your sense of grieving is stunted and it’s stalled because specially with my history I may lose those people but they always in there to go back to auto see even if they’re not in the same place there’s always been a chance of seeing them again but that’s not alive any more and I didn’t even get to go to his funeral Because I was so sick and I didn’t get to see him just before he died of his last birthday and all that really hurts and I’m more heard about all of that and mingle and somehow I know he’s not suffering any more but I feel like I should be missing him or somehow I feel like he’s closer now than it ever been I don’t know it’s so weird but I just want someone to hug me at night and you know I’m worried about my foster mum because for 64 years she’s had a best friend her husband know by a side and now at night she comes home alone Just like I do and you know I worry for her because you know they say you miss what you haven’t had in like I miss that I don’t have someone to like hug me when I come to bed at night but for her she’s had her husband over 64 years and now he’s not there any more and she doesn’t have the faith that I do so for her it’s just so much harder because she’s gonna be coming home alone and the person that’s always been there it’s not there any more and I can’t imagine how much your heart must be breaking right now I want it really hurts me to think so so sad despite our differences that we’ve had over the years she doesn’t deserve to feel this way and I never would Never want her to hurt this way but it’s what is going through and I guess in a way I’m lucky because the likelihood of me being married for 64 years it’s not very likely by now because I’m 29 but you know I’m sad that she’s lost the love of her life and that she now has to go through heartbreak you know they were together since they were really really young and they basically kind of been awake a lot together I guess like you know when you marry you and if you’re 20 you’re still growing up with that person and you know I feel like the person that I’ve become closest to you is one of my best friends and I’ll never be able to marry him and I don’t know if I really would want to but especially since I still have feelings for the guy in 2009 somehow I don’t know why it crazy that and frustrating I just want to be able to like you have another boyfriend might get married and have kids but I don’t think I’m capable of being a good mum I don’t know but I like my singleness but it is also hard you know it’s also helpful because I like But I can have my house exactly the way I want it it’s kind of pretty it’s like country French English Rose kind of like grandma Irish that I don’t know it’s me do you know what the bookshelves music on on the TV outside thanks Spotify and no smoke mixer and kitchen and stuff but that stuff just I don’t know doesn’t compare to have someone to come and lay in bed and have somebody there just hugging you it’s not even about the intimacy of like a sexual nature is just having the someone to hugI’m just being there yeah when you go to sleep at night and wake up in the morning I don’t know why is life so weird and tough you know I don’t even feel like editing this post to be honest just like I didn’t the last one because really I feel like I’m just talking to whoever is reading this and I’m not many people read my blog but that’s okay I don’t mind that it’s kind of like right now and old friend I can come back to win either type it or video to a sorry voice type on this I feel like I’m just speaking to an old friendBut it’s my blog and this is all very stream of consciousness yeah it’s crazy and it’s range of different of a person I am now to what I was when I started this blogger you know but also have a very the same I am in other ways I’m so different in myself insurance and stuff but I’m the same I have anxiety and PTSD and depression but I’m so much actually happier in myself and who I am and accepting of myself I still love books I’m still a nerd I still you know love anaesthetic and address and that is not the same as before before mate Not the same as people my age I meant to say I’m but also I’m still the girl who more easily makes friends with men than women and the only women that I seem to be able to make friends with easily other women who feel like they make better friends with men than women it’s just a thing that’s been recurrent in life for me and I’m okay with that because the reason I find men were easily easy to be friends with us because they’re not catchy and bitchy and stuff like people that I have once worked with their not gossipy they just they look at life as it is and talk about that and they’re really all about life and not fakeWell with some walked sense of positivity that’s incredibly fake and not realistic I don’t believe in Stoicism I think it is a weakness actually that people cannot be honest with themselves and each other about how they’re actually feeling I think it’s really important to be transparent and honest and you know whilst it’s left me out of some of my opportunities I think it’s given me greater opportunities in the Longrun you know I’m sure there’s some stuff still that I regret and then I never talk about to people but at the same time I’m me and I’ve come to this point in life and I I can’t regret the decision anything that’s brought me here to realise that I’m content that I don’t want to leave Well with some walked sense of positivity that’s incredibly fake and not realistic I don’t believe in Stoicism I think it is a weakness actually that people cannot be honest with themselves and each other about how they’re actually feeling I think it’s really important to be transparent and honest and you know whilst it’s left me out of some of my opportunities I think it’s giving me greater opportunities in the Longrun you know I’m sure there’s some stuff still that I regret and then I never talk about to people but at the same time I’m me and I’ve come to this point in life and I can’t regret that it’s anything that’s brought me here to realise that I’m content that I don’t want to leave I don’t want to move house I enjoy where I live I enjoy the people that I’m around and I enjoy not overworking myself and I enjoy studying to start my own business at some stage I enjoy being around people and having the time to grieve this is been really strange because most of the year so far since February March has been taken up by this whole Covid pandemic all over the world and its I could never imagine something like that would happen in my life time and here we are but what a blessing it’s been for meI’ve been able to be completely unapologetically me and work towards the things that I want to work towards like my business and learning to crochet I mean I have ADHD so could be just my latest obsession but I don’t feel like it feel like it’s something that I want to keep working on and you know I don’t know I feel like tutoring might be in my past now I kind of miss it but you know maybe I’m better off doing craft business and craft that I don’t know I kinda need to get my thoughts straight on this whole business thing but one thing I know is I need an ABN and need to get myself on the road to earning some cash and not having to look for work that I know it’s not going to work on time because that’s self defenceSelf-defeating not substance am not self defence or substance whatever sometimes this voice typing thing really doesn’t work that well and I said self-defeating by the way am I just don’t see the point in looking for work where those businesses are only going to keep me for about a year which is about the amount of time they can get funding for me to be at their workplace and then they let me go it’s happened before and I don’t want to that to keep happening in my life I just want to do you know my own thing and be able to help people who have been been in similar Situations with their health and the good work that needed the boss that’s understanding and no I really think that the society really doesn’t look after the people but it should and it says that it does and there’s a lot of talk but not a lot of action so yeah but I’m yeah life hack get a short parcel brush if you’re a long-haired person because if you’re anything like me and your hair falls out a lot worse or room sorry not brush short bristled broom is an absolute godsend forgetting your hair off the carpet easily I wish I had known this years ago I was a bit of an eclectic post I know but you know It helps me feel a lot less alone even though I’m very much alone and I’m a lonely person by nature even when I’m with people somehow less so now when I’m with people but I don’t know what it is just so different and I think it’s partly because of ADHD but partly because of chronic illness and pain over the years but also partly because I’m somebody who is just very different to a lot of people and I don’t mind that actually I enjoy the person I am so you know parts of me that could do better for sure that arm yeah it’s probably the most content I’ve been for very long time so thank youGod for that and then I think this is the end of the post I wish you all the best in the whole talk again sometime bye
