Mixed Feelings.
That's how I am about you now.
Seeing you when I was back in my home town, not realising where I'd parked my car meant that you and your mother were in the same old car in front of me.
You probably don't realise that I had no idea; no I wasn't stalking you despite whatever you think.
Here's the thing:
I'd just come from the cemetery after visiting Flea and the children's memorial.
What most people don't know is that I miscarried a child in 2012 after an insane few weeks where I was slut-shamed, despite that only being my second (and third) full time... I hadn't been looking after myself and yet another time in my life, I was wishing it was all over. God is truly the only reason I didn't go over a bridge in my old car that Wednesday.
I've always regretted it wasn't you first. I wish it wasn't the guy from the 7-aside Cricket, who I only did in anger and upset with you and your then best friend. I wish that in 2012 I hadn't been so stupid as to make the mistake twice in one night of ruining yet another great friendship. You aren't the only person I avoid seeing in person you know.
I wish I could go back; so often I wish that... But I'm 25 now, and really, I know I definitely can't go back... Sadly.
So after grieving the son I miscarried that year (2012, and his name is Dominic, by the way) and grieving yet again the loss of Felicia and her friend and their lives... I'm sure they could have done better than I if they were still alive... I keep living and doing my best despite now living with chronic illness and chronic pain, as well as my legs giving way on me since my sister's wedding.
Now my legs are unsteady a lot more often and I'm often dizzy too... Imagine that! You know how much I loved running! Now to run sounds like a dream... Just like the summer of 09.
Did you know my little sister got married? Actually two of them... The brunette has a lovely husband and a beautiful baby boy who is 6 months old now. The redhead got married a few weeks later and is almost halfway along her waiting time of expectancy too. I'm still single and no children that made it past 7.5 weeks waiting time. I grieve.
Also, back to the woolies carpark scene, I'd just gone past someone trying to park a massive van. I can promise you that you were nowhere near my thoughts, and hadn't been in quite a while.
The last few years have been hectic: maybe I'll write a book about them one day. People would think it was fictional; but it definitely wouldn't be.
I mean really... When has my life ever been straight forward? Oh wait, maybe for a few months over half a decade ago; before my life crashed around me.
You'll never know how lucky I am to be alive...
Your look when you saw me though. The look I saw in the split second before I (in fear) looked down, got my stuff together, got out and went to church... After walking the other way first so you didn't have to deal with me. You were shocked too... Not the look of shock I expected. Please understand I couldn't talk or even think then. I was grieving and on my way to Mass. I thanked God you were still alive.
You see, I was glad to see you. I thought you might have disappeared... Like Flea did... I was worried that uni partying might have driven you over the edge; but I'm glad you're alive and I hope you're well.
I saw the photo on the van park site of our old bench. I etched initials on the gum behind the bench in the photo... I doubt they're still there. I didn't look.
I only went up sunrise drive to look at my old house that I can't just walk into anymore. I grieve that. I grieve my climbing tree and my 'marks' on the trees from when I was learning to drive... Oh, and where I killed the apple tree.
I saw your mum's car when I drove out of the street the last time I went there this November; I looked away because I couldn't bear to see your face again if you were there.
Because despite the fact I had gotten over you, and had considered marrying someone else who treated me horribly (silver gnat)... Some how seeing your shock in front of woolies, and realising it WASN'T the shock of hate... Some how it's all raw again. I'm hurting again. You hurt me bad you know? You walked right out of my life at the time when I needed you most and I had no where and no one to turn to.
I attempted suicide later in the night you broke up with me. Not so much because you were gone but because my home life had gotten unbearable and I felt I had nothing left to live for. I, the girl who loved school and cadets, loved running, all of a sudden died inside. I nearly died that night and no one knew until months later... And no one believed me. My foster parents berated me for 'making up' the fact my foster dad walked into the room and turned off the fan while I was choking myself to death... And had no idea. I also attempted about two weeks later. I also nearly failed all my subjects except legal studies in semester 1 of grade 12... I worked hard after failing to get in the Navy because I honestly told them I'd attempted suicide earlier in the year and again got berated upon because apparently I didn't want to get in the Navy (by that stage it was all I wanted.)
If it weren't for Bez and I having a chat one night where he told me I could do better and you were the one missing out, I would have been stuck in that town. A town full of pain... And people wonder why I rarely visit...
Somehow I managed an OP9 and moved to Townsville.
That summer before moving I'd gone insane. I didn't care what happened anymore. Actually I felt like that until I realised I'd miscarried... That whole experience I will go through later. The miscarriage and the fact that before that when the possibility of pregnancy loomed, I'd considered abortion. Me. Who has always been against abortion. By the way, I still am.
Actually, the miscarriage settled me into adulthood in a way. I realised being stuck in the past wasn't going to help... But I still hadn't dealt with it all and bottling it all up only made it worse.
Anyway so the miscarriage meant that I got myself together and moved on. Gosh I wish I could talk this through with you in person. I wish I could hear how things have been for you.
I've vowed not again until I'm married.
I'm sorry about what I did in messages with your old best friend. I was such an idiot; but I was also young and incredibly broken.
I'm still fairly broken, but my mental health is much better. My physical health is the only reason I have depressive episodes now really. It's nice to be years down the track and far away from all the horrors of my childhood.
I dream about saving children in wars and battling for good. Actually I have nightmares often... They're a norm now. Actually there's a mental health issue I do have: complex-ptsd. I watched a warmovie recently and was triggered so bad that I left the cinema and stayed at a friend's house that night. I also have ptsd from childhood stuff, but that doesn't affect me so much now.
I still love cricket. I never did join a team, but always have wanted to.
You hurt me heaps but I deal with it better now... I think that's part of growing up. I know what I felt then wasn't the puppy love that people say high schoolers have... I was always more mature in many ways than my peers, and still am.
I just hope one day I get to feel that way again... I've only had one relationship I consider serious, the other was basically a friendship where we lived like a married couple overseas except he never asked. Then treated me bad and I got sick. I've not been the same since that trip.
I have matured though.
Although I spend a majority of my time at home, I still am doing the best I possibly can and am tutoring for work.
I can't give up these days.
I only gave up once: 15-03-09... But my body didn't and I've not given up on life completely since.
I live my life the best and most positive I can despite what life throws at me; but I'm also a devoted Catholic and a huge realist. People are too fake about life now; writing about reality feels like refreshment.
Anyway, Goodnight my old late night chat friend from days gone by. I hope the view from the bench is nice and the breeze fresh but not too windy.
God bless you always old friend.
