...I reflect upon the fact that yes, once again, I miss out for trying to be my best...

I planned my holidays around work so that it would be easier for them during the Christmas holidays... Looks like I drew the short straw. Next time I will inform more than one manager of my holiday plans so that I don't miss out on time with friends and family again. Soooo bummed that the plans for my first Christmas after moving out of home have been ruined.

I think this coming Christmas may just be my most lonely Christmas ever... :(

...I found this on the net, and loved it...

You want me to act like we've never kissed.

You want me to forget, pretend we've never met.

And I've tried and I've tried, but I haven't yet.

You walk by and I fall to pieces.

I Fall to Pieces

Patsy Cline

I loved it because it's exactly the way it is for me.

...I make a list...

What if:

• only being able to talk to a certain someone at a certain time of night is one of the two reasons you can't sleep at night; the second being the fact that you can't stop thinking about them. I'm sure I'm insane for being this way.
• talking to said person makes me happy and therefore (without them realising) makes life all the more worthwhile.
• making oneself tired is the least harmful way to punish oneself...
• what if nocturnalism suits my body pattern better than normalism (ie having a normal sleep pattern)

I'm sorry if the points don't make much sense, I'm tired. No, not because it's nearly midnight, but because I'm tired in general. I'm tired of not being able to have clarity of thought when I want it. I'm tired of being the one to miss out. I'm tired of expectations. I'm tired of being me.

...I couldn't be bothered making a good post title for this...

Right now I want my family and one other person. I cannot stress this enough. I miss them all heaps and all I want is to hug them and hug them and hug them more.

January will be bittersweet, February will be more bittersweet and March will be the most bittersweet of all.

Why?

From mid January I will be taking a month off work to see my friends and family in my awesome hometown. You may think: 'That sounds awesome, so why is it bittersweet?' I have a few reasons for this.

1. I will have to take a month off work. I love work, it is awesome as! To take a month away from it will be a little hard, but will be good as well. 
2. It will only be for one month: does any more need to be said there?
3. It will have been a year since I decided to come up here for uni and will have also been a year since those dreaded January days when I had no money, but was living like crazy to try and keep my sanity. 
4. My foster siblings will have grown taller, and will be heading into a new year for school. For one of them though, they will have already graduated... and I will have missed it. Sad face.
5. I will see him again, no doubt. I hope we actually get to talking when we see each other this time instead of not talking/avoiding each other/my hands shaking incontrollably because I can see him in person. I will try to have greater self control. I will try not to let it show how much he still means to me. 

There are more, but I don't want to think about it. 

Time to get ready for cadets. 

...I consider the lucky couple...

I saw us today.

I'd been grocery shopping and was waiting for a bus

 when

a Big W trolley fell on its side onto the bus stop after rolling off the curb. As I looked up away from the trolley I felt a

inside...

I'd caught a glance of a couple that reminded me of us when we were together. She was a brunette, with bigger hands than him; he was a guy with mousy brown hair and awesome dress sense.

They were holding hands just the way we used to; that is, hands together, but not quite holding each other.

I couldn't help myself... I had to look a few times.

As my bus came along, I got together my groceries and got onto the bus, only to realise the two of them were sitting behind me.

I couldn't help but to hear how they were speaking... it was so similar to how we used to.

I hope they realise how lucky they are to be together. A relationship like that is special...

...I re-question my sanity...

Today is one of those days where I question why I didn't pull harder on the blanket that heartbreaking night. Work, uni, cadets, work, uni, cadets, work, uni, cadets... its one of those never-ending cycles so it seems.

It sometimes seems I have no reason to stay around here sometimes... I'm over uni, over cadets and beginning to become very over work.

To be continued...

...I really can't be bothered with a good title...

In a conversation with ___ tonight, this was mentioned...


 She laughs when you ask her out You laugh when you bury her...

How can I NOT be insulted by the fact you laughed at that? Really?

It just adds injury to insult...

...I realise bad poetry is one of my let downs...

I miss what we had, its true,
But often I cry when I think of you.
You broke me up and left me blue
For what reason, I have no clue.

Yes we talk often enough,
but some how it still can't get me out of the rough.
Ssince you hurt me I got so cold
and I don't like it, truth be told.

I am so confused by what you type,
But now when me meet I get some nervous hype.
My hands they shake like i'm freezing,
A rarer thing for me than sneezing.

___________________________

I swear I used to write better poetry... at better times of the day and when I was in better moods.

...I think about how as much as I have really loved trying to be happy and content the last few days, it's a hard act to keep up...

I'm finding it hard. 

Finding it hard to be happy with life and to love it. You only live once right? 

Funny thing is, I'm so used to being unhappy, so used to working hard, so used to not having any more than one friend at a time, that sadly, I think I may prefer it... Sad, I know, but we become conditioned to certain things over time. I've been conditioned to be unhappy (Whilst pretending to be happy in order to keep everyone else happy), lonely (I've never really been encouraged to be a family person and have always prefered to be in my own space, so I can be myself) and to please everyone else (I actually would rather please someone else than please myself to be honest.)

Reading this you may think I'm crazy, that I'm not normal, that I am just anti-social or maybe just seeking attention. Maybe you think all of the above. You know what? It really doesn't bother me what you think. Besides, everyone is crazy in their own ways (Yes, everyone;) no one is normal, which makes normality abnormal (Negating the meaning of normal anyway;) I love being around people, but it's a lot of work when you can't be yourself around them and I can't stand other people's attention being on me. It makes me nervous, my mind builds a wall to stop me thinking, and I shut down inside. Honestly, I don't like it, but that's what happens. You have a problem with it? Your problem not mine.

Yeah I may try to be awesome, everyone does. If you say you don't try, you'd be lying. Everyone tries. Doesn't mean I am awesome. I too have had my dark moments. I too go through crap and become confused; sometimes more than anyone else could possibly imagine, due to my past. Just because everything appears to be fine on the outside with the exception of some of my words and actions, I have so much going through my mind that sometimes I just need to pensieve. That's pretty much what I'm doing now.

I'm so damned confused. 

...I write silly, silly things from silly, silly thoughts from silly, silly ME....

Not good at finding companies to deliver pizza to.

Past my prime in just about everything.

Wishing my life away, unrealistically.

Trapped in a prison coming from within.

Money allows one to not bother with exercise or real food.

Lack of family close by makes one wish their parents were there, for once.

Lack of care for self leads one to fail at things they enjoy.

My bedroom is my prison, not my sanctuary.

I can make it financially through uni, but mentally and emotionally? I'm not so sure...

Boredom has become freedom; what of it?

Need this out of my head, or sorted, one or the other...

I need to get someone outta my head and heart. I've been trying to by trying to have relationships with others, by moving away, by trying to be myself.

Who am I even?

Positively? Nothing.

Nyah, nyarrh, nyaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrhhhhhhh!!!!!!!

..I write another piece of stupid poetry...

Knew I wouldn't get it, why did I even try?
Just another has-been, with no answer to why...?
This was just another mistake,
Now branded as another freaking fake. 

Good intentions, where do they get you?
In to isolation, should have thought it through.
I continue on this road, weary and sore,
I guess one's best isn't good enough anymore.

...I once again that I were at home...

Home. What is a home? Home to me isn't a specific location. Location are empty until filled with the people that will inhabit that location. With that said I'm sure that when I say I want to go home to Maryborough, I mean that I want to go home to everyone I grew up with and who were involved in my life up until I came up here. With one exception: JL. I consider JL as part of my home now. She is possibly the best friend I have ever had, and without her, I don't know where I'd be now. Actually, honestly, I'd probably have dropped out of uni and decided to be a bum, because that's what my mum and sister were. As much as I never want to be anything like what they were and still are, I think I would have become more like them. A frightening thought. But I am digressing.

Yesterday was one of the hardest days I have had in a long time. I began the day by waking up from a dream involving the weirdest situation ever. It was so bad that I have been trying to push it out of my mind; to little  avail.

My dreams are getting progressively weirder. I've been having weird dreams all through my life, but to have a dream such as THAT?!?!?!?! GAHHHHHHH!!!!

As much as there maybe the smallest element of what I want in that dream, the great majority of the dream was 'WHOA, I just want to forget that!'

Continuing...

So I woke up from a bad dream. Then I woke up a few hours later to my alarm which was set way too early and therefore gave me too much time to go back to sleep. Long story short I missed the All Saints mass in town. Sadface.

To make the day worse, as much as I tried to study, I couldn't absorb anything. My brain seems to get like this after dreams regarding that person. Digressing.

RCIA meeting was next. This week was discussion about ethical issues, in particular regarding realtionships and sexual ethics. I involuntarily subconciously switched off. It was like my brain built a brick wall and would not allow me to pass through that wall, no matter how I tried. Maybe that was a good thing?

By the end of RCIA I was ready to cry for the gazillionth time that day. I'm sure I must be reaching insanity. After all, not everyone has as vivid, frequent and strange dreams as I do. No one reacts to small pieces of reality like I do. No one else seems to have foster sisters who question your sanity based on their facebook stati. I don't know, maybe I'm just... For want of a better word... Insane???

Next point.

Here's where I start crying. Every time I ring home it's like they don't have time to talk to me. There are always kids to be dropped off, meetings, social occasions and other things going on that have rendered my calls on the bottom of the priority list. Very sadface. I just want to talk to them, get some advice. To be honest, I just want to go home and hug them. Especially my twin brother who, for the first time in both our lives, I will not be able to spend my Christmas with. I miss him so much. I just want to hug him and talk to him and see how he is. None of this superficial talk stuff, just proper deep and meaningful catch up conversation. Just like the old days.

I also very much miss my foster sisters. SJLH and SRD in particular. These lovely ladies are the best older and younger foster sisters anyone could ever have and I miss you both to bits. BLLR is the best foster niece ever and I miss her absolutely to bits as well.

Then there are my friends. My friends from primary school, my friends from high school and my friends from out of school. The most special ones know who they are. Especially my very very very best of friends. If you are at least 900km away and I talk to you at least once every two weeks, you are definitely one of these people. My baf  and JL are exceptions to this rule. I don't keep in contact with baf enough and JL lives less than three kilometres away. You two are my very best friends. ♥'s to you both girls.

On another note, I shall get ready for JL to come over so we can grab groceries. I hope this post hasn't been too long or insane or sad sounding. I just needed it all off my chest. To end with some thing awesome, I shall post a picture of Sandy's beetle, Sandy and I.

...I decide to re-write some of my facebook stati from over the last couple of weeks... Into my blog...

This may take a few days...

Wednesday, 27th October 2010

Happy Birthday to my favourite niece ever!!! ♥BLLR ♥

Back to the topic at hand.

My stati and half the things I say don't seem to make sense to a lot of people, except for me of course (but that only happens on occasions as well.) I'm hoping then, that they make more sense when put together. Maybe this way I can figure out what I need to do to make myself more positive...

I shall add comments about what I think of each when I get to them. This could get interesting...

Here goes...

August 30 at 5:25pm

Dear Life,

Why is it that you are so hard on everyone? Is it really necessary to cause people pain so often? You could be a little nicer. Please. For everyone's sake.

Love, Tammy

Though I can't remember the exact reason I wrote this at the time, this short letter could just about relate to most of my life. Loss of foster families, loss of friends; I guess just the challenges that life has thrown my way during my 19 years, 3 months and 22 days of living thus far. Like I said, I don't remember why I wrote this, but that doesn't mean I don't remember how I felt when I wrote it. It was something to the effect of: Life isn't going too well, I just want it to be easier. My attitude changed a little when I read the following comment posted in reply to this particular status. 

As a very wise man once said, "You see this little hole? This moth's just about to emerge. It's in there right now, struggling. It's digging its way through the thick hide of the cocoon. Now, I could help it, take my knife, gently widen the opening, and the moth would be free. But it would be too weak to survive. The struggle is nature's way of strengthening it" As much as pain sucks we need Pain to grow stronger as people

Comment by: Jonothan Freshney

Pretty sure I thought 'Whoa! He's right! Guess I'd better alter my perspective on life, and remember that hard things in life are designed to make us stronger... Crap, that's gonna be hard.' I proceed to thank him and tell him I'd have to remember that more often.

I think it's some thing we ALL need to remember.

Next topic, Doctor Who. 

Oh. My. Goodness.

So I was first introduced to Doctor Who by Mr. KJ, awesomeness extraodinairre himself. I never actually watched it though until this year when Miss. JL reintroduced me to the concept. Actually, she persuaded me after a few attempts to watch it


UPDATE: Will post more as time goes along...

...Am without a candle tonight... :(

Its been a while... So much happening. Am in Maryborough at the moment. Mixed emotions. Happy? Alot more than I was, but am sad also. only 50 mins left of being 18. Sadface. Was a year ago at this point when I last considered suicide as an option. Am proud of deciding against it. Uni results. I hope I pass, I really don't want to fail. That would be awful. Hmm. Karl...

Why do you continue to effect me so? I still get excited to talk to you, still miss you. I guess I still love, even after all this time... Oh gee...

Nightmares have subsided, I'm hoping that they dont come back. At least not like they were anyways.

...I contemplate: That person...

That person.

Who is she? I don't know her. I've never seen her before, yet I've seen her so many times before it seems; just not in the same way.

Does everyone else see this person as I just saw her?

That woman. She looks so much like her mother. Aging before her time, gaining weight, brain doing crazy things to her, her life, her friends, her future. How did this woman become who she is today. She looks so sad, like there are things that she wants to explain to everyone but just can't. She's crying now.

Why her? Why God did you set her life out the way you have? I've never seen anyone quite as messed up. Do you see what you've done to her?

I guess maybe this woman is more transparent in a lot of ways that many aren't. Everyone seems to be able to find a place to fit in her heart. She opens up to too many people. Is that why she has those things on her wall? What about the one on her ceiling? What does that look like to the onlooker who hasn't seen this person before. I mean sure, I haven't seen her before either, at least not in this way.

This woman. She used to know what she wanted. She used to know how to deal with things when things became challenging. She was one of those people who when the going got tough, she got going. I don't know that side of her anymore.

She used to be so determined to do well. Now, she just doesn't know anymore.

She tells me that she is doing the best she can, I can see it in her eyes, but she also says that as much as she tries she just can't be that super-person anymore. She can't be that person who always did well no matter what she did.

This woman now describes herself as lazy, fat, foolish, hopeless, dumb, absurd and insane.

Every night it gets harder. Harder to get to sleep she says to the people in her life. Only she and I know that there's so much more going on behind the scenes. Except there's no easy way to explain it. Every time she tries to explain it to the friend she sees many times a week in the non-internet based world, she hits a wall that she just can't get past.

She tries so hard these days, with little results on the surface. She doesn't think anyone realises quite how hard she is paddling under the surface; she doesn't realise that I'm beginning to see a pattern I've seen before. This pattern is not good. I lost a friend to this very pattern.

It's getting hard for the woman to pick herself back up out of this spiral, and there's only two people who can ultimately help her:

Him and Herself....

Many say time heals all wounds. That woman I just saw, she doesn't believe it. I'm not sure I believe it either. She says she'll be damned if it heals her wounds. The look on her face, her posture, the way she lives her life, all of these clearly express her complete belief against that simple phrase of four words. 

Time heals all wounds? I'll believe it when I see it for real.

... I write about yet another morning with strange messages left for me...

So I wake up this morning with nothing much on my mind. Nothing, that is, until I reboot my computer to find K has liked 17 things on my page, left me a random facebook message stating that he did, as well as including other content in not only that message, but the 33 IMs he left me on msn. I mean what the? K hasn't replied to my messages which ask for explanation and so I am left confused; AGAIN! Why K? Why? Don't you realise everytime you do this you confuse the heck outta me? As much as I still may feel for you, I still expect you to explain your intent. Especially now.

Time to Vent I Think...

Need  to... need to... need to... NEED TO VENT!!


VENTVENTVENTVENT VENT VENTVENTVENT VENTVENT VENT. VENt.VEnt.Vent.vent..


Work= awesomely busy, great times, a little hard at times, but definitely worth it.


and...


Uni= ditto work + assignment due tomorrow (Actually today!!!)

Panic Stations:
PANICPANICPANICPANICPANICPANICPANICPANICPANICPANICPANIC!!!

*Takes a deep breath*

Must forget distractions, must relax, must believe in self, must enjoy life, must do good at work, must do good at uni, must do well at cadets (Thank goodness its not on this week or next!), must be a good friend, must keep goin, must stop being distracted by my own personal issues.

*Takes another deep breath*


I think I feel a lot better now...

Vent accomplished successfully.

...I think about yet another day in the life of me...

Well, today. Tis very strange. Has been very strange. Still feels kinda strange. Still not used to being an adult. Me? An adult? I still shake my head at the thought. But its true, and I have to live with the consequences. I still wonder where all those years went, especially 2009. Such a surreal year. The year that changed life as I knew it. Forever. A strange word that. Its hard to contemplate what forever is. But when you have a year such as I did in 2009, you realise that the effects of some things will never leave you. They will be with you forever, and that makes contemplating forever oh so much easier; yet harder at the same time... I hope this thing with N doesn't continue forever. That would be hard, weird, strange, I really can't think of a term adequate enough to describe it. Assignments. I think I am looking forward to this essay for law. It should be pretty good. Impressed, and very pleasantly surprised how I went on my 1104 class test. 11.25/15 isn't too bad for someone who spent two weeks sleeping all day, up all night, sick; and studied incessantly in order to try to catch up for around a week before the exam. Quite pleased. Today is weird. Though I have the issue with N, and had a very strange and almost unsightly (not the best term, but describes it in my mind, sort of) day yesterday, I seem and feel quite content today for some reason. I dunno. Its really strange. I miss my friends and family down south; I miss them all. Its just really weird that for some reason I am still content. What the? I really don't understand it, but you know, its great, and I'm enjoying it. (I think I need to use less commas, definitely some thing to improve upon...) Well, I think its time for me to study now. Until next time; Catch you later!

... I have another pensive moment...

Work. Work is good. Work means money. Money means I'm getting closer to getting my own set of wheels. Wheels. I like wheels. They help me get places in life. To and from, here and there. Buses, Trains, Cars, Bikes, Rollerskates, Ripsticks, Skateboards. Wheels. Want own motorised wheels. Not motorbike type of motorised wheels, but car. Automobile wheels. Automobiles is old way of saying cars. Old. Cars. I like old cars, they are reliable. Reliable. Friends and family. I love reliable friends and family. I miss lots of friends and family. I like this music. Music helps. Music soothes. Music heals. Music breaks. Music makes me cry. Music makes me smile. Music makes me miss you. Music makes me glad I have the life I have. Music is my way of expression. Expression. Faces. Acting. Masks. One wears many masks. Many, many masks. Countless masks. Must put mask on when unhappy, so world wont ask whats wrong. Sometimes I don't know how to answer. Sometimes I dont want to because the words make the pain more real. Real. This is real. Life is real. I am real. Here is real. Uni is real. Why must assignments be real? Why must this pain be real? Why must the heartbreak from you remain? I wish i knew what you REALly think of me. I miss you, can't you see? Sometimes I sacrifice my sleep so I can talk to you. You. I miss you. You make me laugh. You make me cry. You make my muscles hurt inside. You make me happy, You make me sad. Don't you see the effect you had? I wait... and wait... and wait, I love this song. It reminds me of when we were together. That first 7 aside comp I went to, and went running in the rain. It makes me miss you more. It reminds me of my loneliness... esp at 3am in the morning... A message, another message from you. Oh, the suspense. I know you're not gonna say what I want you to, but hey. That's Life. That magazine showed me how smart I can be, and now, how other people sometimes aren't. Yep another message with no true, deep meaning. Sometimes I wonder. I really do. I wonder about everything. Anything and everything. Loneliness.Stream of thought. Love. Life. Sadness. Computer. Love this song!!! Back to where I started, chasing after you, but standing here until you make me move. I won't move unless you do. I hope this isn't a catch 22. I miss you. As much as I'd love o continue this all night... and morning, I have Uni tomorrow, and a life to live other than talking to you and being pensive all night. Good night my lovely tree of flames. Let your light shine through me. You, the fire inside me, that is so desirable, yet the one that will ruin me, that did ruin me, will continue to, without you even realising. Song. Music. Though its darker than December, whats ahead is a different colour... awesome song!!!

...I send another message to a member of my long long lost foster sister, SRD...

hey :)

Long time no catch up aye? A few things:

Im so glad to hear you're quitting smoking :D well done! I remember you and mum  saying to me when I was little that if you ever found out I was smoking that I'd get a kick up the bum. Guess what? You guys don't have to :D I learnt from when I was little... don't smoke :)

I'm really missing you all... like crazy. I miss everyone that has ever meant alot to me, especially you guys. I've had a few moments in the last couple of weeks which reminded me of when I was just a little girl who thought she was a big girl out on the farm. I miss those days...

I thought I would let you know that I will be getting confirmed on the 21st November up here in Townsville. I dont know whether that interests you, but I thought I'd let you know :)

I have quite a few friends up here. Some better than others obviously, and I have one really best friend up here who is American, but absolutely awesome as! I still get lonely quite a lot, but thats cos I miss you all, and all my friends and families from Maryborough too...

Life is quite busy in general with work, cadets and uni. It is quite hard to keep up at times, and sometimes I think of giving up cadets, but I'd miss it too much. There's my sentimental foolish self again, haha... hording activities and memories now though instead of random bits of crap, haha.

Music is an awesome thing!! Sometimes I listen to it, sometimes i sing along to it, sometimes I dance (but I can't dance on the ceiling ;) LOL ), sometimes I even write it, especially when I'm feeling down.

Well... thats enough about me, haha... I'm pretty boring really, same old Tammy, just, well... grown up now (sad), and with better clothing sense, HAHAHA Let me know what else is happening aye, I love hearing about whats happening in your world and the world of gayndah/the downings in general :)

Miss you!

Love always, you're strange little  unusual foster sister,

Tammy :D

...I continue to hopelessly wish...

So, talking to him without telling him the full truth about how I feel is getting harder. I keep misinterpreting what he says... Surely he remembers how much I read into things. Sometimes its like he's hinting... but I can never be sure.

Gosh, I really am hopeless...

...I write more inspired material than I have ever before...

Ok... So I know I haven't blogged in a while, but I just have to right now. I guess this will have a pensieve effect (like Dumbledore's pensieve in the "Order of the Phoenix") so my mind will be more clear by the time I intend on going to sleep tonight.

I wrote a poem tonight, and as the title of this post suggests, it's more inspired than before... I'm more inspired than ever. I don't know how to stop myself from thinking about him. I honestly don't. I have been trying for a period of 17 months, 14 days and approximately 5 hours.

I get so frustrated with myself for it. Some how I keep thinking that I'm never going to find another guy to love near as much as I loved him. GAH!

I'm getting tired now, so I guess it's time to stop writing.

I know, I know, its only a short blog... but after writing a full A4 loose leaf page length poem, a diary entry and a status with the author being supposedly unknown, when I know  exactly who wrote it; I am quite worn out.

Bye for now...




P.S. Music is so FANTASTIC!!!!!!

First Blog... Warning! (1) May not be grand considering time of morning. (2) Will be short and sweet

So here I am.

Its nearly two in the morning, and still not asleep. Sad.

I lay here listening to playlist number 9 once again. These songs have been with me throughout my life. Good times and bad. I love music.

The candle on the window sill flickers and dances, yet is alone in its own world, a world which only contains me, my bed, a desk, filing cabinet, bookshelf and the few, yet many, objects which only material possessions. There is no companion candle, therefore no accompanying flame. I am like the flame; yet at the very same time am completely and utterly unlike it. A paradox.

Those pictures and words. Reminders of who I want to be. Some remind me to save money, to be conscientious in working toward my future, to be the best cadet I can. I also remind myself though, that life is not about who I may be in everyone else's eyes. No, not everything in life is about proving oneself to others.I learnt that lesson the hard way. Sometimes I have to remind myself that to become who I want to be, I have to ponder who I want to be. Myself.

In saying that though, I also have to remember not to be too harsh on myself. )I shall sidetrack for a little, please  bear with me you will see where this is headed later.) Once, there was a girl whom stayed at my house for two one month periods. My foster sisters, her and I became more like real sisters. We introduced her to cadets. Through that, we became very, very good friends. We'd talk about almost everything. Sometimes she'd tell us of the events that had changed her perspective on life. Sometimes we wouldn't see her for a few weeks, maybe even a couple of months. That didn't matter. She was still welcome to drop over anytime. Her and I even went for a drive to Hervey Bay one day in search of formal dresses. A day I'll never forget. Her and I looked at this white dress in the window of a dress store we'd missed by ten minutes. Ironic. We found another little shop a few doors down, and in it a lady who persuaded me to try on this dress. It was blue. I still have that dress today. It reminds me of the last day I ever got to spend with my lovely friend. I miss her so. Getting back to where I was headed before, I must remember not to be too harsh on myself, nor life, as I have seen myself fall into the spiral many times. The spiral of unhappiness, lack of self-satisfaction, of the d word which must not be mentioned. This spiral left me in tatters in March of 2009, lost me my almost guaranteed position in the Navy and took my beloved friend away from me forever. RIP Felicia. That girl I treasured so much, who I was intolerant of at times, but loved and cared about as a friend does left this world because she was too harsh on herself and was not able to see past the time at hand. I remind myself a lot that I must never be so harsh on myself as I was the nights of the 15th and 17th of March 2009. Yes it is hard. It is very hard for a worry wart such as myself to let be what should be let be, but I know I will get there eventually. I got to university, did I not?

I must admit I am having many difficulties at this point in time. One such difficulty is the nightmares I keep having. Though the scenery and the people change in them all, they have one recurring theme. Death. Whether its me almost plummeting to my end over a balcony, or a killer out to get my friends family and me, I continue to awake stricken. Stricken as I realise how lonely I am. How, for the first time in my life, I continue to yearn for family. Family to call my own. A real mother. A real father. I miss my beloved foster mum Lola and my foster dad Bill. They are the two people who have been the closest I have ever had to having real parental figures in my life. How I miss my friends and that I've left behind in Maryborough and Gayndah. How much I truly miss my twin brother. I don't think he'll ever realise how much I care.

Hmm...

Life...

Right now, I couldn't let go of  it. For this I am grateful.

Lord, I lift your name on high. The following song is one of my very favourites from growing up in the Catholic faith. It almost made me cry when they used it in mass last Sunday when I was there with J and her family as I hadn't heard it since I was about seven or eight. Did I mention that I love the following song? Here it is:

The Lord is my shepherd, and I want to follow
Wherever he leads me, wherever he goes


Over the mountains, the waters and by-ways
Valleys and highways, he's waiting for me


I want to go to meet him there
To lay myself down in his love
The lord is my shepherd and I want to follow
Wherever he leads me wherever he goes


Instrumental


I want to go to meet him there
To lay myself down in his love
The lord is my shepherd and I want to follow
Wherever he leads me wherever he goes


And while on the journey to where we are going
He promised to be there to help us along
And over the mountains we'll walk on together
To know all the wonders he's given to me

Mmm... Love that song!

Wow. Its only another 5 sleeps until I leave for Maryborough to see my friends and family! I must remind myself that in the meantime, I shall enjoy time with J, Cadets, N and my other Townsvillian friends. Speaking of sleep... mmm... time for the flame tree and I to get some lovely sleep...