First Blog... Warning! (1) May not be grand considering time of morning. (2) Will be short and sweet

So here I am.

Its nearly two in the morning, and still not asleep. Sad.

I lay here listening to playlist number 9 once again. These songs have been with me throughout my life. Good times and bad. I love music.

The candle on the window sill flickers and dances, yet is alone in its own world, a world which only contains me, my bed, a desk, filing cabinet, bookshelf and the few, yet many, objects which only material possessions. There is no companion candle, therefore no accompanying flame. I am like the flame; yet at the very same time am completely and utterly unlike it. A paradox.

Those pictures and words. Reminders of who I want to be. Some remind me to save money, to be conscientious in working toward my future, to be the best cadet I can. I also remind myself though, that life is not about who I may be in everyone else's eyes. No, not everything in life is about proving oneself to others.I learnt that lesson the hard way. Sometimes I have to remind myself that to become who I want to be, I have to ponder who I want to be. Myself.

In saying that though, I also have to remember not to be too harsh on myself. )I shall sidetrack for a little, please  bear with me you will see where this is headed later.) Once, there was a girl whom stayed at my house for two one month periods. My foster sisters, her and I became more like real sisters. We introduced her to cadets. Through that, we became very, very good friends. We'd talk about almost everything. Sometimes she'd tell us of the events that had changed her perspective on life. Sometimes we wouldn't see her for a few weeks, maybe even a couple of months. That didn't matter. She was still welcome to drop over anytime. Her and I even went for a drive to Hervey Bay one day in search of formal dresses. A day I'll never forget. Her and I looked at this white dress in the window of a dress store we'd missed by ten minutes. Ironic. We found another little shop a few doors down, and in it a lady who persuaded me to try on this dress. It was blue. I still have that dress today. It reminds me of the last day I ever got to spend with my lovely friend. I miss her so. Getting back to where I was headed before, I must remember not to be too harsh on myself, nor life, as I have seen myself fall into the spiral many times. The spiral of unhappiness, lack of self-satisfaction, of the d word which must not be mentioned. This spiral left me in tatters in March of 2009, lost me my almost guaranteed position in the Navy and took my beloved friend away from me forever. RIP Felicia. That girl I treasured so much, who I was intolerant of at times, but loved and cared about as a friend does left this world because she was too harsh on herself and was not able to see past the time at hand. I remind myself a lot that I must never be so harsh on myself as I was the nights of the 15th and 17th of March 2009. Yes it is hard. It is very hard for a worry wart such as myself to let be what should be let be, but I know I will get there eventually. I got to university, did I not?

I must admit I am having many difficulties at this point in time. One such difficulty is the nightmares I keep having. Though the scenery and the people change in them all, they have one recurring theme. Death. Whether its me almost plummeting to my end over a balcony, or a killer out to get my friends family and me, I continue to awake stricken. Stricken as I realise how lonely I am. How, for the first time in my life, I continue to yearn for family. Family to call my own. A real mother. A real father. I miss my beloved foster mum Lola and my foster dad Bill. They are the two people who have been the closest I have ever had to having real parental figures in my life. How I miss my friends and that I've left behind in Maryborough and Gayndah. How much I truly miss my twin brother. I don't think he'll ever realise how much I care.

Hmm...

Life...

Right now, I couldn't let go of  it. For this I am grateful.

Lord, I lift your name on high. The following song is one of my very favourites from growing up in the Catholic faith. It almost made me cry when they used it in mass last Sunday when I was there with J and her family as I hadn't heard it since I was about seven or eight. Did I mention that I love the following song? Here it is:

The Lord is my shepherd, and I want to follow
Wherever he leads me, wherever he goes


Over the mountains, the waters and by-ways
Valleys and highways, he's waiting for me


I want to go to meet him there
To lay myself down in his love
The lord is my shepherd and I want to follow
Wherever he leads me wherever he goes


Instrumental


I want to go to meet him there
To lay myself down in his love
The lord is my shepherd and I want to follow
Wherever he leads me wherever he goes


And while on the journey to where we are going
He promised to be there to help us along
And over the mountains we'll walk on together
To know all the wonders he's given to me

Mmm... Love that song!

Wow. Its only another 5 sleeps until I leave for Maryborough to see my friends and family! I must remind myself that in the meantime, I shall enjoy time with J, Cadets, N and my other Townsvillian friends. Speaking of sleep... mmm... time for the flame tree and I to get some lovely sleep...