GG

Two things that no one really talks about when you come out of a term of severe illness:

Guilt and Grief

Guilt because somehow, despite whatever we've been through, we've usually been gaslighted along the way, and trauma has a huge way of affecting your memory... so collectively it means you feel Guilt as if somehow you could have done better... though you couldn't have done any better because you were truly doing your best.

Grief because you've lost (often yet again) a huge portion of time due to something you had no control over and (again, often yet again) that was time you lost that could have been put toward achieving your long term goals.

I'm 31 now, and the reality is that I've collectively lost the equivalent of over 5 years of my adult life primarily due to medical negligence and medical neglect. I got sick, yes, but those illnesses could have been fixed way sooner if medical professionals had thought about a couple of simple questions: why did her condition suddenly change from date of surgery? Had she had surgery before? It seems a central nervous system issue, anaesthetic works with the central nervous system... 1+1=2 perhaps? Also... HOW IS SHE STILL ALIVE CONSIDERING THAT? Why did her vertigo suddenly make a comeback? Two viruses in a month, maybe we should try to find out if she has an immune system issue since those two viruses have left her unable to do anything other than what she can do from bed? Also, this new medication prescribed by a Dr she's never seen before... um perhaps it's making her vertigo worse? New medications cause side effects... oh wait 15 kilos unexplained weight gain in 6 weeks, despite no changes to diet or exercise? Could it be the medication that also affected her memory? 10kg unexplained weight loss this year despite unchanged diet and exercise habits... medication maybe?

At this point I'm so lost.

Something else is wrong with my body, and it's affecting my mental health severely. 

I'm new back to the dating scene, but scared to meet everyone because I'm currently showering 3 times a day because I've gained more urinary incontinence all of a sudden, my sweat smells like urine, and though I'm losing weight and being more active, I seem to be losing muscle strength. 

You can bet that once again, I'm going to have to figure this out for myself, and have to explain once again how I came to the conclusion.

Also, people including myself have suspected I have had POTS for the greater part of the last 6 to 7 years... yet I can't seem to get help... oh yeah and the symptoms of pots... coincide with the comorbidities of a family history of heart conditions from young ages (my 33yo brother died earlier in the year from a heart attack after years of being told nothing was wrong, my biolpgical maternal grandma died before she was 50 due to a heart condition that didn't improve since she had her first known heart attack at 35, my mother has been hospitalised from her 30s for suspected heart condition, I have been to the hospital with suspected heart conditions, at least 2 more siblings have also been to the hospital... suspected heart conditions....should I continue?)

At this point, I'm resigned to the fact, after multiple cases of negligence and mistreatment at the local hospital (I was yelled at when I couldn't walk, and we had no idea why... nurse had no idea of my severe cptsd and that she'd made it worse) that I will very likely die at home, alone, after some health issue.

I've passed kidney stones at home, woke up more times than I can count because I have been choking in my sleep... and so much more...

After writing all this it looks like I'm writing about someone's worst nightmare, and it's my reality... just the surface of it.

Nevermind the living below the poverty line despite looking far from it (I can't afford my basic groceries anymore, just trying so hard to make do with nearly nothing), the loss of multiple career and family oriented dreams for my life, the severe lack of social life because of fear and the isolation that happens when no one checks on you when you're sick (to the 3 main people who did, God I'm greatful, they've no idea how greatful).

I've been wondering why I'm struggling with self worth... I can't even buy a $2 dress and an $8skirt without Guilt... let alone the McDonald's meal I had the other day as a rare treat, and barely got to enjoy because I felt so gross after... and now the financial guilt stemming from that. I feel not worthy to even be in anyone's company, everyone is too busy (I get it's adulthood in our current society) and I'm too much and too little for everyone at the same time.

I'm not fun, not because I'm not fun myself, but because my life is actually tragic and it's happened to someone smart, determined, and who used to be super fit... so it could happen to anyone. My body has something new everyday that's frustrating, and then life is cruel too.

I know we are all trying to get by, but somehow I'm feeling (and I know that I'll probably feel different on a different day, maybe) that the 15th March 2009 was the last time I felt somewhat alive...

I feel like I've been barely existing since, no matter how hard I try, or how I look to others.

I am actively getting help for all that is going on, but I know its even hard for those trying to help me. I'm a patient that keeps doing what I can according to what I'm asked, and also active in sorting stuff out when I need to, but I have complex medical needs that keep on falling through the cracks.

The Guilt and Grief of prolonged spouts of illness keep happening, despite whatever I try to do to prevent that, and I'm lost.

I stopped studying law because I wanted a family and knew that if I finished that degree and became a lawyer, I'd not have the time that I wanted for my own family... husband and kids... but now I'm 31, feeling like I've lost out on all those good blessings of adulthood, despite my best efforts.

I've worked so hard, and the fruits are minimal... and I'm still barely surviving.

Tell me, why am I still here, because I don't know anymore.

I still look at the small joys each day, and that helps to a degree... but the deeper stuff it's really getting to me.

I'll keep masking up and helping others and making sure they feel better about themselves because they are awesome.

How am I not able to do that for myself, despite how hard I try?

I'm lonely, I feel like I'm losing my best friend, I know myself, but starting to feel like I'm losing her too, and yes I'm getting help, but I just wish that I could be doing better than I am.