So it's been a long time and a lot of changes since I last wrote on this blog. Actually it's been almost 9 years since I first started this blog comma 9 years that have gone so quickly I could have never believed they come this fast. If you told me 9 years ago that right now ID be where I am after what I've been through, I will he'd laugh at you and your face actually no I've never been someone to laugh in someone's face I probably would have just been like thinking that that wouldn't be possible but here I am.
You know the funny thing is this summer it's been 10 years karma 10 years since probably the best summer I ever had. Sure this playing plenty of smaller good time since but that summer 2008/2009 I don't think anything can ever match that.
You think that after ten years I probably have been paying to somebody by now had a couple of kids finished uni you know I'm probably been working for a while and probably on the way to buying a new home. The reality is I haven't really had a serious relationship since 10 years ago karma I have made mistakes in my time and one of those resulted in a miscarriage comma a miscarriage that I keep quiet since it's not really acceptable for young single woman who is Christian or Catholic or whatever till done what I did I guess and so I keep quiet. The pain of it drives me a bit crazy at times but you know I've been through so many other pains in my life losing my foster parents time and time again in grade 7 finding out that my foster mum had cancer again when I was in about Craig 10 finding out my foster dad has cancer about a year ago now karma finding out two years ago almost that the brother Foster brother I'm sorry that the lost was due to a murder instead of the suicide we thought it was, and then finding out only a couple of months ago then those same Foster parents from that same family who said they'd always be there for us decided that they never want anything to do with me and my twin brother again which is broken our hearts again and I don't know about my twin brother but for me it breaks my heart every day to know that I don't really have family I could go home do you love me unconditionally who care enough event to let me contact them in their greatest hours of need to.
In between that time, I also lived with somebody who decided to spread rumours about me and now Parish Priest and ruined my reputation and have left everybody in the parish they can guessing me every single day since. I also happened to get incredibly sick around the same time I moved out of her place as a result of a really severe allergy to anaesthetic that I was really actually lucky to survive since around the same time I moved into a place that was written with mould which I was also allergic to. Those three weeks I spent bedridden in absolute agony with multiple layers of doonas and pillows and underlays and anything that I could get to soften the the pressure on my body because it was so sore from fighting these allergies and trying to keep myself alive. Even after moving out of that unit is still talking other two and a half years for them to realise not that they ever fully realised themselves but that I was allergic to anaesthetic and they eat an anaesthetist gave me back my life by listening to me.
You might think that the sounds a bit much for one person to handle and to be completely honest I don't know how I'm still alive but what I know is that I'm supposed to be here and that every single day I challenge myself in small ways or big ways to try and continue to improve my life. I've been through so much and I haven't spoken about it all on this blog so I've spoken all but a lot of things most of which I don't remember since it's been so long since I've eaten here but really what's important is that other than at this point trying to avoid the triggers that lead to those flashbacks to all those traumatic events as long as I'm doing my best everyday and allowing myself the rest and recovery that I need that's all that I can do I don't know that God's on my side with that.
Dot dot dot and what it is it that you ask has occurred between me and the person I used to speak so fondly about all the time? The person who was hot and cold with me at different points and things like that the person who I used to speak to you at all hours of the night anything and everything, what about him you asked question mark well to tell you the truth I still wake up in the middle of the night thinking about him. It's not like I deliberately try to just something that happens I often have dreams where he's almost there but not quite there always pretty hard. The last time I saw him was on the 1st of November 2016. It wasn't a deliberate thing I was late for church pulled into the Woolworths car park in the middle of the town I was born in, which was across the road from the church that I wanted to go to. ID driven in a gap behind a car reversing which I don't normally do and I still don't know why I did that day but what I do know is that when I pulled up and looked up he was there only really metres away a footpath ahead and my bonnet and his door between us that's it full stop in that moment I don't even know if I breathed all I knew was that all that emotion all that pain and all that that I felt before in all of the good and not all of the hard karma it all came up in that coupler seconds and I ducked my head as soon as I could grab my stuff and got out of the car instead of walking straight towards the church which would have gone directly past his car, I went to the back of my car walked around the car park and then across the road. Sometimes I wonder what would have happened if I said even high or if I didn't drop my head or if I had an order Hall the way around the car park but I guess it probably would have been just the same. We haven't spoken in years in fact the 15th of August 2011 I believe was the last night we spoke to each other. I can't tell you how much I still miss that friend and the fact that after all these years after all the people I've met and after all I've been through for some reason this person is still one of the people that I respect and care for the most even though I have no idea where he is that in life at the moment even though I have no idea what kind of person he is now even though so much time has passed.
Insane August and the truth of it all I know that the movies under great indication of why things like this end up. I mean I never intended I'm being in Townsville this long I always intended on going back and helping my family in well foster family and returning home I guess. But now I'm best friends with a priest and the difficulty that comes with that is that we can't be friends publicly because people just always think the wrong thing. I don't think they've realised that the person in my heart the same person that's been on my heart all these years someone who's been on my heart since well before I met my priest friend and the fact is my priest friend I don't really think that he's even if he wasn't a priest but I don't think he'd be somebody at Marion eWAY sadly I guess I don't know. I mean he's been there with me through thick and thin these last few years and made sure that I was ok every step of the way but just somebody else he has a hold on my heart but the reality is I know that that's probably never gonna happen again. So I keep the memories and cherish them and one day I hope that I'll meet somebody who loves me as I am I not walk away in my greatest hour of need somebody who will accept the fact that I I have anxiety and depression and post-traumatic stress disorder because these things are the things that happen after you've been through as much trauma as a person like me has been in their life. I can promise you that the trauma that I've mentioned in this blog does not even begin to describe the amount of trauma I've been through in my life and I ultimately want to marry somebody who loves me for all that I am all that I've been through and accept cert I need to talk about these things to heal and that sometimes I do need to do things certainly because otherwise it feels like the world is going to end. I don't know much about love I guess I haven't had that many boyfriends I guess especially if only really had one serious relationship and one that was almost a serious relationship but never quite a venture waited but you know the reality is sometimes people in lean meat one person in their life and if that's already gone and passed me by well that's OK because I feel lucky to have had that time and to be able to cherish that time for what it was and I appreciate my singleness that I've had these last few years because it's been a damn tough time getting so sick Housebound n also bedridden a lot of the time and in about 18 months less than 18 months of since I started getting better manage to rehabilitate myself to the point where I'm full-time working and part-time studying those struggling with study but still trying yesterday I bought myself a dishwasher and that made me so happy because him means I can do other things around the house as well. I guess the most important thing is that I've loved learnt to love the internal me even though I don't like or what I look like externally and I'm a damn sight larger than I was a few years ago and I wish that my body would co-operate with me so I could just lose 20 + kilos that I need to reality is I'm lucky to even be a wife I'm lucky to still have a body I'm lucky to be able to eat more food than I used to be able to and really unlucky to have one person who cares about me enough to visit me nearly every single day. So I guess it's been a long block and Well that's been a few years that have passed but really glad for where I'm at now and I have a job where I read over paperwork and editor different needs it send it back if it needs it but most of all I was hope that I can send it straight on because the get some join that not only for me but for for the person who submitted the paperwork so that they don't have to have another thing to follow up on. But you know what the best part is I'm a first generation female full-time worker with salary and so all the hard work that I put in over the years it's really come to even this fruition is something that I dream about 10 years ago now I'm here I don't have the same body I thought I would but you know what I still have the awesome quotes just different to what I t'imagines and you know what I'm sure I can lose is 20 + kilos those 20 + kilos so I want to mention it's not out of some eating disorder or anything like that I put on 20 kilo student medication a couple years ago and I really just want to get rid of that medication wheat to be back to a healthy weight
Enclosing I know that the person who is often still on my mind in the middle of the night for some strange reason probably it would not want to contact me again I guess otherwise they probably would have. I appreciate how far I've come even though it's not exactly where I imagined myself to be 9 years ago but somehow it's different I don't know whether I like it or not but that's life I guess I also want to point out how important is to be kind because assuming that you know what a persons been through and mentioning ever be good to for them to see him movie weather's domestic violence as if it'll be good for them to know what they should be grateful for in life without knowing that that person's actually witnessed a number of domestic violence events not great so I think it's just important to be kind loving and not just towards others but to yourself as well we only have one body we only have one soul we only have really onelife year on earth I mean this eternity after bit in our earthly life it's important to just make sure that we're good people to be always there for people when you can if you're still there thanks for sticking around and reading I really appreciate it and until I talk to you all next maybe do you all of you goodnight sleep well and god bless
You know the funny thing is this summer it's been 10 years karma 10 years since probably the best summer I ever had. Sure this playing plenty of smaller good time since but that summer 2008/2009 I don't think anything can ever match that.
You think that after ten years I probably have been paying to somebody by now had a couple of kids finished uni you know I'm probably been working for a while and probably on the way to buying a new home. The reality is I haven't really had a serious relationship since 10 years ago karma I have made mistakes in my time and one of those resulted in a miscarriage comma a miscarriage that I keep quiet since it's not really acceptable for young single woman who is Christian or Catholic or whatever till done what I did I guess and so I keep quiet. The pain of it drives me a bit crazy at times but you know I've been through so many other pains in my life losing my foster parents time and time again in grade 7 finding out that my foster mum had cancer again when I was in about Craig 10 finding out my foster dad has cancer about a year ago now karma finding out two years ago almost that the brother Foster brother I'm sorry that the lost was due to a murder instead of the suicide we thought it was, and then finding out only a couple of months ago then those same Foster parents from that same family who said they'd always be there for us decided that they never want anything to do with me and my twin brother again which is broken our hearts again and I don't know about my twin brother but for me it breaks my heart every day to know that I don't really have family I could go home do you love me unconditionally who care enough event to let me contact them in their greatest hours of need to.
In between that time, I also lived with somebody who decided to spread rumours about me and now Parish Priest and ruined my reputation and have left everybody in the parish they can guessing me every single day since. I also happened to get incredibly sick around the same time I moved out of her place as a result of a really severe allergy to anaesthetic that I was really actually lucky to survive since around the same time I moved into a place that was written with mould which I was also allergic to. Those three weeks I spent bedridden in absolute agony with multiple layers of doonas and pillows and underlays and anything that I could get to soften the the pressure on my body because it was so sore from fighting these allergies and trying to keep myself alive. Even after moving out of that unit is still talking other two and a half years for them to realise not that they ever fully realised themselves but that I was allergic to anaesthetic and they eat an anaesthetist gave me back my life by listening to me.
You might think that the sounds a bit much for one person to handle and to be completely honest I don't know how I'm still alive but what I know is that I'm supposed to be here and that every single day I challenge myself in small ways or big ways to try and continue to improve my life. I've been through so much and I haven't spoken about it all on this blog so I've spoken all but a lot of things most of which I don't remember since it's been so long since I've eaten here but really what's important is that other than at this point trying to avoid the triggers that lead to those flashbacks to all those traumatic events as long as I'm doing my best everyday and allowing myself the rest and recovery that I need that's all that I can do I don't know that God's on my side with that.
Dot dot dot and what it is it that you ask has occurred between me and the person I used to speak so fondly about all the time? The person who was hot and cold with me at different points and things like that the person who I used to speak to you at all hours of the night anything and everything, what about him you asked question mark well to tell you the truth I still wake up in the middle of the night thinking about him. It's not like I deliberately try to just something that happens I often have dreams where he's almost there but not quite there always pretty hard. The last time I saw him was on the 1st of November 2016. It wasn't a deliberate thing I was late for church pulled into the Woolworths car park in the middle of the town I was born in, which was across the road from the church that I wanted to go to. ID driven in a gap behind a car reversing which I don't normally do and I still don't know why I did that day but what I do know is that when I pulled up and looked up he was there only really metres away a footpath ahead and my bonnet and his door between us that's it full stop in that moment I don't even know if I breathed all I knew was that all that emotion all that pain and all that that I felt before in all of the good and not all of the hard karma it all came up in that coupler seconds and I ducked my head as soon as I could grab my stuff and got out of the car instead of walking straight towards the church which would have gone directly past his car, I went to the back of my car walked around the car park and then across the road. Sometimes I wonder what would have happened if I said even high or if I didn't drop my head or if I had an order Hall the way around the car park but I guess it probably would have been just the same. We haven't spoken in years in fact the 15th of August 2011 I believe was the last night we spoke to each other. I can't tell you how much I still miss that friend and the fact that after all these years after all the people I've met and after all I've been through for some reason this person is still one of the people that I respect and care for the most even though I have no idea where he is that in life at the moment even though I have no idea what kind of person he is now even though so much time has passed.
Insane August and the truth of it all I know that the movies under great indication of why things like this end up. I mean I never intended I'm being in Townsville this long I always intended on going back and helping my family in well foster family and returning home I guess. But now I'm best friends with a priest and the difficulty that comes with that is that we can't be friends publicly because people just always think the wrong thing. I don't think they've realised that the person in my heart the same person that's been on my heart all these years someone who's been on my heart since well before I met my priest friend and the fact is my priest friend I don't really think that he's even if he wasn't a priest but I don't think he'd be somebody at Marion eWAY sadly I guess I don't know. I mean he's been there with me through thick and thin these last few years and made sure that I was ok every step of the way but just somebody else he has a hold on my heart but the reality is I know that that's probably never gonna happen again. So I keep the memories and cherish them and one day I hope that I'll meet somebody who loves me as I am I not walk away in my greatest hour of need somebody who will accept the fact that I I have anxiety and depression and post-traumatic stress disorder because these things are the things that happen after you've been through as much trauma as a person like me has been in their life. I can promise you that the trauma that I've mentioned in this blog does not even begin to describe the amount of trauma I've been through in my life and I ultimately want to marry somebody who loves me for all that I am all that I've been through and accept cert I need to talk about these things to heal and that sometimes I do need to do things certainly because otherwise it feels like the world is going to end. I don't know much about love I guess I haven't had that many boyfriends I guess especially if only really had one serious relationship and one that was almost a serious relationship but never quite a venture waited but you know the reality is sometimes people in lean meat one person in their life and if that's already gone and passed me by well that's OK because I feel lucky to have had that time and to be able to cherish that time for what it was and I appreciate my singleness that I've had these last few years because it's been a damn tough time getting so sick Housebound n also bedridden a lot of the time and in about 18 months less than 18 months of since I started getting better manage to rehabilitate myself to the point where I'm full-time working and part-time studying those struggling with study but still trying yesterday I bought myself a dishwasher and that made me so happy because him means I can do other things around the house as well. I guess the most important thing is that I've loved learnt to love the internal me even though I don't like or what I look like externally and I'm a damn sight larger than I was a few years ago and I wish that my body would co-operate with me so I could just lose 20 + kilos that I need to reality is I'm lucky to even be a wife I'm lucky to still have a body I'm lucky to be able to eat more food than I used to be able to and really unlucky to have one person who cares about me enough to visit me nearly every single day. So I guess it's been a long block and Well that's been a few years that have passed but really glad for where I'm at now and I have a job where I read over paperwork and editor different needs it send it back if it needs it but most of all I was hope that I can send it straight on because the get some join that not only for me but for for the person who submitted the paperwork so that they don't have to have another thing to follow up on. But you know what the best part is I'm a first generation female full-time worker with salary and so all the hard work that I put in over the years it's really come to even this fruition is something that I dream about 10 years ago now I'm here I don't have the same body I thought I would but you know what I still have the awesome quotes just different to what I t'imagines and you know what I'm sure I can lose is 20 + kilos those 20 + kilos so I want to mention it's not out of some eating disorder or anything like that I put on 20 kilo student medication a couple years ago and I really just want to get rid of that medication wheat to be back to a healthy weight
Enclosing I know that the person who is often still on my mind in the middle of the night for some strange reason probably it would not want to contact me again I guess otherwise they probably would have. I appreciate how far I've come even though it's not exactly where I imagined myself to be 9 years ago but somehow it's different I don't know whether I like it or not but that's life I guess I also want to point out how important is to be kind because assuming that you know what a persons been through and mentioning ever be good to for them to see him movie weather's domestic violence as if it'll be good for them to know what they should be grateful for in life without knowing that that person's actually witnessed a number of domestic violence events not great so I think it's just important to be kind loving and not just towards others but to yourself as well we only have one body we only have one soul we only have really onelife year on earth I mean this eternity after bit in our earthly life it's important to just make sure that we're good people to be always there for people when you can if you're still there thanks for sticking around and reading I really appreciate it and until I talk to you all next maybe do you all of you goodnight sleep well and god bless
Please know that this post was voice typed in the middle of the night. When I said ‘a wife’ I meant alive. I’ve still never been married.
ReplyDeleteLife’s so different now. It’ll be different next year too, I just don’t know how yet.